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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27699920">down for the count (remember that night, rewind)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/daymaresnightdreams/pseuds/daymaresnightdreams'>daymaresnightdreams</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>we are meant to be [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hamilton - Miranda</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Elections, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, I guess you could read this without reading the first part but i don't know why you would, I promise lol, I swear I most wrote this cuz I wanted to use this title so bad, Infidelity, M/M, Mutual Pining, Reconciliation, alex and john are both just human disasters, and I came with nice chapter titles to match and i was like this has to get written, and here we are, jk jk alex would NEVER, which is a great tag that i've never used before and is very fitting, you think you wouldn't have to pine after your husband but</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 03:47:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>31,002</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27699920</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/daymaresnightdreams/pseuds/daymaresnightdreams</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><b> <em>CNN Breaking News: Photos have surfaced of Democratic Presidential Candidate Alexander Hamilton’s involvement in an extramarital affair—</em> </b> <em> New information has come to light revealing an intimate relationship between New York City mayor and presidential hopeful Alexander Hamilton and Maria Reynolds, an advisor for the Jefferson campaign. Pictures show them late at night exiting a bar together, entering Hamilton’s apartment, and Reynolds’ subsequent exit the next morning. Both are married—Hamilton to John Laurens, biologist at the New York City branch of the National Aquarium, Reynolds to James Reynolds, Virginian county executive. Neither Hamilton nor Reynolds have commented yet.  </em></p>
<p>But that’s not where the story begins. </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>we are meant to be [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1959835</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>down for the count (remember that night, rewind)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b> <em>CNN Breaking News: Photos have surfaced of Democratic Presidential Candidate Alexander Hamilton’s involvement in an extramarital affair—</em> </b> <em> New information has come to light revealing an intimate relationship between New York City mayor and presidential hopeful Alexander Hamilton and Maria Reynolds, an advisor for the Jefferson campaign. Pictures show them late at night exiting a bar together, entering Hamilton’s apartment, and Reynolds’ subsequent exit the next morning. Both are married—Hamilton to John Laurens, biologist at the New York City branch of the National Aquarium, Reynolds to James Reynolds, Virginian county executive. Neither Hamilton nor Reynolds have commented yet.  </em></p>
<p>But that’s not where the story begins. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was hard to know where to begin. John knew where everything <em> started, </em>but that wasn’t where it began. Not for him.</p>
<p>It started almost two years ago. He was sitting in bed next to his husband, watching an episode of <em> The Bachelor </em>that they recorded on the DVR. He had just finished the last of the popcorn sitting in a bowl between them and moved the bowl to the floor, where he was definitely going to forget about it and trip over it when he woke up tomorrow morning. </p>
<p>When the show went to commercial, John said, “I think Kylie's going to Hometowns. She’s not gonna win, but I think he likes her a little better than Lori.” </p>
<p>Alex said in response, “I need to talk to you.”</p>
<p>“You know that’s the worst possible thing you can say to a person, right?” John said as he muted the TV. “It sounds like you’re divorcing me.” </p>
<p>Alex stayed silent. When John looked at him, he had a nervous, unreadable expression on his face that made John’s stomach drop. </p>
<p>“A—Are you divorcing me?” he choked the words out. </p>
<p>Alex reeled back and turned his whole body to face him in an instant, like he was hearing him for the first time. “What? No. No! I would <em> never— </em>no, absolutely not! Don’t even joke about that, Jesus.” </p>
<p>“I know, I just—why are you acting so weird?” John clutched his heart, coming down from that minor scare. </p>
<p>Alex went silent again, and John turned to look at him. He gazed at Alex’s profile, the same profile he had studied and dreamt of and drawn many times over the years. He traced the familiar features of his face: his wide forehead, the slope of his nose, his full, pink lips. Alex only grew more beautiful as they got older. He was everything to John.</p>
<p>The words burst out of Alex like a dam breaking free. “I’ve been thinking a lot about the state of our nation. I mean, we’ve come so far and gone through so much as a country and yet…not much as changed. People have given up on their government, and why shouldn’t they? The people we put in office have forgotten that they’re there to do their civic duty, to represent us and our needs since we can’t do it ourselves. All these politicians only care about keeping their power and lining their pockets, and they’re not even trying to bullshit us any—” </p>
<p>“Baby girl, skip to the end. What are you trying to say?” </p>
<p>Alex took a deep breath. He turned and looked right into John’s eyes, and said, “I want to run for president.” </p>
<p>It was as if the floor had dropped from underneath him. His eyes widened, the blood was rushing through his ears. His mouth flopped open and close, but no words came out. He felt like he was having an out of body experience, like he was hearing those words from somewhere far away even though he was sitting right next to Alex. </p>
<p>The first words he said, the only thought in his head, was, “But you’re so young.”</p>
<p>What he was actually saying was, <em> I thought we had time. </em> He always knew, deep in the back of his mind, that one day Alex would say those words to him. Hell, Alex told him that the first night they spent together, when the future was a dream they could barely grasp the shape of. <em>(</em><em>Maybe president, </em> he’d said). But John thought they’d be much, much older. They’d have a house with a lawn and a backyard, a couple of kids running around. Their hair would be graying, and John could tell himself that they’ve fulfilled every other aspect of their lives, so it was time to let Alex have something for himself. He’d be wise and mature enough to say <em> go, pursue your life’s passion. I’m with you every step of the way. </em></p>
<p>But instead, they were 36 going on 37. They still lived in their nice-ish apartment, and it had been a while since either of them had brought up the kids subject (which bothered John, though he hadn’t said anything). They’d been together 18 years, and it still wasn’t enough. He thought they had <em> time.  </em></p>
<p>Alex didn’t notice his inner turmoil. His eyes lit up, and he said, “That’s the point. All these old ass geezers we’ve got in office now are stuck in the past. They wouldn’t know how to look ahead if they tried. But I’ve got one foot in the <em> future. </em>I’m moving forward, because there’s no past for me to go back to.” </p>
<p>“I can do this,” And John wasn’t sure if Alex was speaking to him or himself. “I don’t have any power to cling onto, even as mayor. And I have never, for one second, forgotten that the only purpose of my job is to serve my community and America. I can get us back on the right track. I can show America how politics is supposed to work. I’ll give them a leader they can trust in again.”</p>
<p>“You’re so young,” John whispered. </p>
<p>Alex grabbed his hands. Looked at him with wide, imploring eyes. “John, say the word and I won’t do it. I’m well aware of how hard this is gonna be, the stress this is gonna add to our lives. But I think we can handle it. We already know what it’s like from our dads’ campaign, so we can avoid all the mistakes they made. And even if things get rough, we’ll have each other. But I won’t force you. If you don’t want me to do it, I won’t.”</p>
<p>He believed that Alex meant that. At least, he believed that Alex believed he meant that. John considered it for a moment, saying <em> no. </em>He imagined shaking his head, and the two of them going to bed. When they woke up, they’d pretend Alex never brought up the possibility of running for president. Their lives would’ve set off down a different trajectory, but maybe everything would’ve turned out okay. </p>
<p>But then he looked into Alex’s eyes, and he loved him. He loved Alex like a heart attack, like a moth drawn to the light knowing it’ll burn. And when you love someone like he loved Alex, you wanted to put them above yourself, give them everything. He didn’t want to be the one to smash Alex’s dreams into million pieces. He couldn’t do it. </p>
<p>So John tightened his grip on Alex’s hands and said, “I’m in.” </p>
<p>Alex’s reaction broke his heart. His eyes went wide with shock and he gasped, his lips quivering with repressed joy. </p>
<p>“Yeah?” Alex said, voice hushed in complete disbelief. </p>
<p>John nodded his head. “Yes, Alex. You’re right, America needs you. I’m not gonna be the one who holds you back.” </p>
<p>Alex tackled him to the bed, pressing kisses against his lips and face and neck. He was so giddy, and John ended up laughing with him, soaking up his husband’s pure elation. </p>
<p>“I love you,” Alex pressed the words into his skin. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” </p>
<p>John ran his hands through Alexander’s hair and kissed his forehead. “I love you too, Mr. President.” </p>
<p>Alex groaned right into the side of his neck. “Fuck, don’t say that.”</p>
<p>And John laughed again, hoping that maybe his laughter would drown out the despair sitting deep down, right underneath the surface. </p>
<p>Alex pulled his face back so John could see his face. “This is gonna be so good, John. We’ll be a team, just like when I ran for mayor. You and me against the world, fucking it up.” </p>
<p>“Promise?” His voice trembled as he said it. All at once, they weren’t joking anymore. </p>
<p>Alex leaned down to touch their foreheads together. “Of course. I can’t do this without you.” </p>
<p>And John believed him. He clutched the back of Alex’s shirt like a lifeline, held their bodies together as a reminder that they were here, they were <em> together, </em>and nothing was gonna change that. Even if things got tough, they had each other. </p>
<p>He sucked Alex’s bottom lip into his mouth, then looked him up and down. “I wanna know what my future president can do for me. Will you show me?” </p>
<p>Alex’s eyes went dark. He swooped down to kiss John again, and this time there was nothing sweet or tender about it. They stripped off their clothes and fell into each other. John let himself get lost in the sensation of Alex pressing deep inside him, their warm bodies wrapped around each other as close as they could get them. </p>
<p>With each drive of Alex’s hips, John thought, <em> it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’ll be okay, </em>until the waves of his pleasure crested over and consumed him. </p>
<p>That was where it all started. But for John, it began nine years earlier. He was 27 years old, and the swanky ballroom floor had cleared out except for him and Alex. Under the dreamlike chandelier lights hanging from the ceiling, he joined hands to dance with not his boyfriend, not his fiancé, but his <em> husband. </em>For the first time, he could shout from the rooftops that Alexander Hamilton was his husband. </p>
<p>The cheers of their family and friends faded away from John. Even the song playing over the speaker had died down in his ears. The only thing that had his full and complete attention was Alex, who was looking at him as if he had created the world and handed it to him as a present. Alex’s hand was on John’s waist, John’s on his shoulder. Their other hands were entwined and they fit together like puzzle pieces, something that still amazed John no matter how much time passed. </p>
<p>Alex leaned up and whispered, right in John’s ear, “You and me, forever.” </p>
<p>“Forever.” John promised, throat swelling with emotion. </p>
<p>They didn’t need the music. Lost in each other’s eyes, they swayed gently to the beat of their own hearts. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A week before The Incident happened, John was in the bedroom zipping up his suitcase. He could hear the sound of Alex typing on his desktop computer in the office. The incessant tapping, which usually comforted him, only sharpened the stabbing sensation of hopelessness rising within him. He wondered if Alex had slept in the office last night, or maybe the couch. Wherever it was, it wasn’t in bed next to him. When he woke up and felt for Alex, his side of the bed was still cold. </p>
<p>John had been swinging between two ends of his emotions. A part of him was angry with Alex and sad about everything, and the other part of him was filled with regret and self-blame. He was reminded of that saying: fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. </p>
<p>A couple of weeks ago, he said to Alex, while he was washing the dishes, “Martha’s been wondering when we’re gonna come down and visit. They’ve been settled down at the ranch for a bit now.” </p>
<p>“Uh huh,” Alex said. He was on the couch in the family room, papers spread out on the coffee table and doing God knows what on his laptop. </p>
<p>John leaned against the doorway to the kitchen. “So I told her we’d come down for a visit. For two weeks.” </p>
<p>That made Alex look up. “Two weeks? Wait, what are we talking about?” </p>
<p>John sat down on the couch next to him. “I want us to go down to South Carolina for two weeks. See Martha and the kids and the new house. Relax. You do remember what that means, right?” </p>
<p>Alex was shaking his head before John even finished. “Two weeks is…no, I don’t think so. Angelica would kill me.”</p>
<p>“She’ll deal.” John said bluntly. “As your campaign manager, she’s dealt with worse. You’ve been working yourself to the bone for months, you’re allowed a break. I hear Thomas and James spend lots of time at their vacation home in Virginia Beach.” </p>
<p>“Yeah, because he’s got a solid base of people in Virginia pulling for him.” Alex replied. “He can vacation <em> and </em>hold some incredibly productive campaign events at the same time. South Carolina is fine and all, but I don’t think I’d pull away with a significant amount of votes even if I tattooed ‘All Lives Matter’ on my forehead and wore fifty guns on my belt.” </p>
<p>“I’m not asking you to do this for the campaign.” His voice was downright acidic. “I want to spend time with you, and I thought maybe you miss spending time with me too.” </p>
<p>Alex’s expression turned sheepish, as if it finally occurred to him how much of an asshole he was sounding like. “Of course I want to spend time with you.” </p>
<p>“Then let’s do it.” He held Alex’s hands, looked at him with an earnest expression on his face. “Come on, Alex. Ellie and Kitty miss their favorite uncles. We’ll wake up to a big, homemade breakfast, eggs fresh from the coop. We can lay in bed all day or play with the animals or go swimming with the girls. There’s a beautiful lake nearby that Martha sent me a picture of, and it’s a perfect place to watch the sunrise. Or when it gets dark we can lay back and look at the stars.”</p>
<p>“Please, Alex.” he begged. “Let’s run away to the countryside.” </p>
<p>John was so desperate for this, because the election had been bleeding into every part of their life. He wanted to steal Alex away from the spotlight and take him somewhere where all the politics and bullshit felt far, far away. He hoped that going on this trip would remind Alex that this election was temporary, but they were <em> forever.  </em></p>
<p>Alex’s eyes softened around the edges, and for a second John thought he was going to agree. But then he turned away and said, “I can’t. I’m sorry, there’s too much work to do.” </p>
<p>John’s face fell. He snatched his hands away and said, “Okay.” </p>
<p>He rocketed out of his seat and stormed back into the kitchen, taking the already clean dishes and re-washing them, just to have something to distract himself. Anything to keep him from having to sit there with Alex and his fucking laptop and his fucking papers. </p>
<p>He didn’t know how long he stood there with his back to the doorway, drying cups and scrubbing the tears that sprang at the corner of his eyes against his will, when he felt arms wrap around him. He sank back into Alex on reflex. He should’ve pushed him away, but his body wouldn’t listen to him. It’d been a while since he felt Alex’s warmth. </p>
<p>“A week.” Alex murmured. “I’ll get Angelica to rearrange some stuff on my calendar and free up a week. I can’t do much more than that.” </p>
<p>John turned around in his arms. “That’s more than enough. That’s all I’m asking for, Alex: compromise.” </p>
<p>“I’m trying.” He ran his fingers through John’s hair. “Believe me, I’d rather be curled up next to you than staring at polling data all day.” </p>
<p>“I don’t know, I think those polls get you off more than me these days.” </p>
<p>Alex hit his shoulder and laughed. “John!”</p>
<p>John laughed too, and it felt amazing. It’d been so long since they just relaxed and had a good time together. </p>
<p>“This’ll be good for you,” John squeezed his shoulders. “It’s okay to take a break once in a while.” </p>
<p>“Alright.” Alex leaned forward and pecked him on the lips. “But let me tell you now, there’s no way you’re getting my ass up to watch the sun rise.”</p>
<p>John threw his head back and laughed again. “We’ll see.” </p>
<p>And leading up to their vacation, everything was nearly normal between them. Alex started doing his work in the family room instead of the office, so they could eat together instead of John having to take meals to him like a housemaid. They joked around, had conversations that weren’t about the campaign or anything to do with politics. It’d been a while since John had smiled so much. The trip to South Carolina was like a beacon call to them, they would talk about all the things they’d do once they got there. Go fishing, chase the chickens with the girls, skinny dip in the lake, etc., etc. </p>
<p>And then two days before they were set to leave, in the plot twist everyone saw coming, something came up. </p>
<p>Alex came home from work, went straight to where John was sitting on the couch, and said, “John.” </p>
<p>“Uh oh, what?” Stupidly, it didn’t even occur to him what Alex was about to say. He was knee deep in a <em> Top Chef </em>episode and lulled into a state of extremely false security. </p>
<p>“I—well, it’s, um.” Alex cleared his throat, and that was enough for John to clock in. </p>
<p>He paused the TV. “Alex, what is it?” </p>
<p>“So Jefferson has reached down into his Mr. Monopoly money pockets to put attack ads against me on every major station. He’s spreading lies about me and my record before the 6:00 fucking news, combined with that and his ‘highly successful’ interview on <em> Meet the Press, </em>he’s—he’s beating me. He’s pulling ahead of me in the polls and I can’t stand back and let him grow that lead. So I think that right now, it’s not a good time to go down to South Carolina.” </p>
<p>They got into a big fight. </p>
<p>They’d been fighting a lot lately (a lot), but it was mostly small, petty stuff. Passive aggressive remarks and weaponized silences, small shit. But this was a <em> fight. </em>Like, the type of fight with raised voices and harsh words and ending with someone storming away, which John did. He slammed the bedroom door so loud it echoed throughout the apartment, and that night Alex did sleep on the couch. John was glad, because he might’ve thrown him out if he tried to crawl into bed next to him. </p>
<p>John avoided Alex all day yesterday. He woke up early for his morning run and didn’t come back until he was sure Alex had already left out for work, then he stayed behind late at his job at the aquarium. He did every task known to man, this close to offering to clean the tanks. But when he finally had to leave, the thought of going back home, where the tension between him and Alex was so thick it was hard to breathe, paralyzed him. </p>
<p>He called up Lafayette, the only one of his friends that was as down to drop everything and hang out as he was when they were young, and went drinking. The buzz of the alcohol dulled his emotions, let his mind drift away. He stayed until Lafayette was the first one to say he had to go.</p>
<p>(“Why are you avoiding going home? Lafayette was blunt as ever, the alcohol only lowering his ability to bullshit. </p>
<p>John knocked back another rum and Coke. “I’m not.” </p>
<p><em> “Mon ami, </em>no one drinks late on Sunday night for fun.” Lafayette leveled him with a heavy gaze. “Is it Alex?” </p>
<p>He slammed his glass down. “No. He’s fine, everything’s fine.” </p>
<p>The look Lafayette gave him was laced with skepticism. “John, you don’t have to bottle everything up. It’s okay if you’re upset with him.” </p>
<p>“Thanks for the permission.” John snapped. “You don’t have to worry, I’m going home now.” </p>
<p>“John—”</p>
<p>But he was already getting up and grabbing his stuff, barely stopping to say goodbye.)</p>
<p>Now his stuff was packed and the Uber he scheduled to take him to the airport was on its way here. Alex offered to take him, but he refused. The last thing he wanted to do was be trapped in a car with Alex and his excuses. </p>
<p>“And I’m staying for two weeks.” John had said, voice hard. “One of us should make time for their family.” </p>
<p>The hurt flashed across Alex’s eyes, and he walked away without saying anything in response. </p>
<p>So there John was, with his packed to the brim suitcase and his bruised feelings. He went to the office and knocked softly on the door, then poked his head through the crack. </p>
<p>“I’m heading out.” he said. </p>
<p>Alex looked up from the computer, and his eyes were filled with sadness and remorse. “Okay. Text me when you get on the plane and when you land.” </p>
<p>John swallowed down the bile that rose up in his throat. “Yeah, see you.” </p>
<p>He felt sick to his stomach every step he took away from Alex. He couldn’t shake the feeling that everything was going wrong, that they were going down a path that was getting harder and harder to come back from— </p>
<p>“John, wait!” </p>
<p>John spun around to see Alex rushing over to him, desperate expression on his face.</p>
<p>“I don’t want to leave things like this,” Alex pleaded. “Please, just hear me out.” </p>
<p>John looked at the ground. “I don’t know what else there is to say.” </p>
<p>“I love you, okay?” Alex said, unfair as usual. “I don’t wanna fight with you, I hate myself every time I do something to make you mad at me. All I wanna do is say fuck it and hop on the plane with you, because you’re the most important thing to me and I feel like we keep missing each other. I want to be with you.” </p>
<p>“And yet.” John said lightly. </p>
<p>“But I’d never forgive myself if I lost because I didn’t push myself hard enough.” Alex’s gaze tore into him, begging him to understand. “If I put it all on the line and lose anyway, I can accept that. I’ll be able to let this dream go, and let us move on with our lives. But I have to put in the work <em> now.”  </em></p>
<p>He reached for John’s hands, and John let him. “Just be a little patient with me. It won’t be like this forever, I promise.” </p>
<p>Though John was getting much better at it these days, he was still terrible at staying mad at Alex. Alex could see the subtle change in his expression, the way his body unclenched a little, and went in for a hug. John didn’t push him away. </p>
<p>“I’ll try to get away, even if I can only stay for a couple of days.” Alex whispered in his ear. </p>
<p>“I wish you wouldn’t say that,” John said softly, wrapping his arms around him. “I might actually believe you.” </p>
<p>“John…” </p>
<p>“I know you’re trying your best.” John relented. “I know that. But I just…I wish things were different.” </p>
<p>Alex brought the back of John’s hand to his lips and held it there. “I love you.” </p>
<p>“I love you too.” John caved in. Alex knew how to play him like a fiddle, and John found himself forgiving him and letting his own feelings go once again. </p>
<p>They didn’t kiss goodbye, but they hugged again and John left with the soft sensation of Alex’s kiss on his hand lingering long after he walked out the door. </p>
<p>So he flew to South Carolina alone. It was a weird feeling every time he came back to his home that hadn’t been his home for a long time. Everything was familiar and foreign all at once, but then it would always be foreign to him, because the him that existed in South Carolina had been dead and gone a long time. He hadn’t expected to ever come back again, but Martha surprised him by choosing to settle down there.</p>
<p>“Dad was the problem, not South Carolina.” Martha told him. “And South Carolina is a hell of a lot bigger than one bitter old man. I’m not gonna let him take away my home from me.” </p>
<p>Martha’s life had gone down a much different path than John would’ve predicted when they were kids. He thought she would’ve moved to a big city, settle into a sort of socialite lifestyle, marry a guy who was the life of the party or at least incredibly outgoing. But instead, she fell in love with a corn farmer, David Ramsey, and settled into rural life with him, raising two beautiful girls, Eleanor and Catherine. Most importantly, she was happy. </p>
<p>David was the one to pick him up from the airport. He liked David, but he had never been more surprised than when Martha married him. He was a quiet, reserved man, the type of person he thought would bore Martha. But over the years he had seen that David was a dependable man, kind and always doting on his wife and daughters. They were never going to be best friends necessarily, but they had a mutual appreciation for one another. He was eternally grateful for the way David never forced small talk. They rode over to the ranch in comfortable silence. </p>
<p>When they pulled up in front of the massive farmhouse, Martha was already waiting at the porch, Kitty perched on his hip. Once John hopped out of the car, Kitty wriggled out her arms and ran down to meet him.</p>
<p>“Uncle Jack!” she screamed, running into his arms. </p>
<p>John picked her up and spun her around. “Who are you? My Kit-Kat isn’t this big.” </p>
<p>Kitty giggled. “Yes, I am!” </p>
<p>It amazed John how fast kids grew up. John remembered holding her in his arms when she was born, and now look at her. She was the spitting image of Mary, his baby sister, when she was five years old. </p>
<p>“Uncle Jack!” Another small body comes running out the front door, clutching onto his leg. </p>
<p>“I thought you forgot about me, Ellie.” he said, ruffling her hair. </p>
<p>“I was helping Mommy bake cookies! I didn’t forget!” Ellie said. </p>
<p>At eight years old, Ellie was goofy and blunt, just like Martha, while Kitty was a little more shy like her father. Since Alex and him didn’t have any children of their own yet, John treated the girls like they were his own daughters. He soaked up every moment he got to spend with them while they were still young and growing up. </p>
<p>Ellie looked behind him. “Where’s Uncle Alex?”</p>
<p>John stiffened at the question, and let down Kitty off his hip instead of answering. </p>
<p>“Yeah, where is Uncle Alex?” Martha said as she came to stand in front of him, arching an eyebrow.  </p>
<p>“Something came up.” John said, and kissed Martha on the cheek. “How are you?”</p>
<p>“Great.” Martha waved him off. “Something came up?” </p>
<p>John looked back down at the girls. “Ellie, did you say something about cookies? I’m starving!” </p>
<p>He let the girls take him away to the kitchen and from Martha’s prying eyes. But he knew his sister, and she was nothing if not persistent. So it was no surprise to him when she appeared at the doorway of the guest room later, while he was unpacking. </p>
<p>He continued putting his clothes in the drawer. “Martha, don’t start.” </p>
<p>“What happened this time?” Martha crossed her arms. “Must’ve been real important if he skipped out on spending time with his family. Again.” </p>
<p>“Something something attack ads, he had to stay home and do some work.” John mumbled. “He’s gonna try to come down for a couple of days, maybe next week.” </p>
<p>“Wow.” Martha nodded to herself. “How many broken promises are we at now? Or have you lost count too?” </p>
<p>That made John turn to look at her. <em> “Martha.”  </em></p>
<p>Martha didn’t back down. “You’ve been letting Mr. President walk all over you for months now! How long are you gonna keep making excuses for him?” </p>
<p>John winced. Martha had taken to referring to Alex as that recently, knowing how much John hated it. “I’m begging you, don’t start with that tonight. I’m tired.” </p>
<p>And until he said it, he didn’t realize how true that statement was. He was exhausted. </p>
<p>Martha stared at him, then sighed. “Alright, I’ll drop it. For now.” </p>
<p>It was only once Martha left that he allowed himself to breathe again. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Martha’s ranch ended up being kind of an oasis for him. He would wake up early in the morning and go for a run around the entire estate. He may not have been as fast as he was in high school, but he was proud of himself for having the stamina to run the course at all. Once he came back and took a shower, there’d be fresh breakfast waiting for him. Not shitty instant coffee and frozen waffles, real breakfast. He’d sit at the table with Martha, David, and the girls, and talk about any and everything but politics. He was starting to think that was impossible, but Martha’s place felt so disconnected from the world, it was amazing. </p>
<p>After breakfast, he’d play with girls or help out on the farm. It was nice to work out all the stress building inside of him by working with his hands. Or sometimes he’d just sit on the back porch and draw the landscape. He hadn’t had much time for drawing lately, so it was nice to take in the wide expanse and draw what he felt. There were no expectations for him here, other than to breathe and relax. </p>
<p>When the sun went down, they ate dinner as a family. After the table was cleared and the kids were put to bed, Martha would bring the wine glasses and the three adults would have a drink and unwind. It’d been a while since him and Martha had met in person, so they talked at length about their siblings, their lives, their plans for the future. John tried to avoid talking too much about Alex and Martha didn’t push, thank god. He’d go to bed feeling warm and sated and <em> loved.  </em></p>
<p>That first week was a perfect week, just the vacation he needed. But at the same time, he felt like half of a person, because all the happiness in the world was only a glass half full without Alex to share it with him. There was an emptiness inside of him running just below the surface, a hole only Alex could fill. They’d texted a little the first couple of days, but then Alex stopped responding and John had too much self-respect to force his own husband to talk to him.</p>
<p>But he found that the space from Alex was actually a good thing, at the same time. It gave him the chance to take a step back and think about how they got to where they were, and where they were going. Because really, it wasn’t always like this. It took him a moment to figure out where things took a turn.</p>
<p>Things changed, for sure, once Thomas Jefferson announced his candidacy. </p>
<p>Before that, when their only focus was the Democratic primary and running a good, clean campaign, everything was good. Great, even, in the beginning. Alex had meant it when he said that he wanted them to be a team, and it helped that they already knew how to work together. John was heavily involved in Alex’s mayoral campaign, to the point where Alex would jokingly call him his “shadow campaign manager”. And that campaign had its moments too, but they never lost sight of the fact that they were in this together. Coming from that place of solid unity, it was no surprise to John when Alex won. He deserved it. </p>
<p>Obviously, running for president was a different ball game, but Alex still consulted him on all the big decisions before he made them. John was the one who told him to hire Angelica as his campaign manager, despite the fact that she was a little green, having only worked on a couple of representatives’ campaigns and one highly successful governor’s campaign. Some of Alex’s advisors thought that since he was so young, it’d be better to have an older, wiser person running the ship. It’d give his campaign balance and project a mature front to the voters. </p>
<p>John shut that down. “You said you’re the future, right? Then you should go all the way. We need fresh faces, fresh voices, people the young adults of this country can look up too. And for the older generation, we’ll show them what they’ve been missing. You need to <em> be </em>the future in every aspect.”</p>
<p>“And more importantly,” John continued. “I want someone you can trust completely as your campaign manager. And Angelica is family. You’ll follow her, even if the ground seems unsteady.” </p>
<p>It was true. On their mantle and on the walls of their home were loads of pictures with their friends, starting from that first group picture at the lake house to last year’s Christmas party. Their friends were their family, and they would do anything for each other. </p>
<p>John knew Angelica was the right decision, and was even more assured when she said, upon being offered the job, “You’re gonna win. But <em> only </em>if you check your ego at the door. Otherwise, don’t waste my time.” </p>
<p>Between Alex and Angelica, the campaign was a tight ship. Alex thrived off people’s underestimation of him, and soared in popularity to everyone’s surprise. Well, everyone’s surprise but John. </p>
<p>It seemed now like John was completely against Alex running and being dragged along for the ride against his will, but no. Once Alex really got started, he was fully on board. John swore he fell in love with Alex all over again, watching him chat with a mother at a meet and greet and toss her baby in the air. Or when he hugged an elderly woman as she cried, detailing the way she’d been forced out of business by the gentrification of her hometown. Alex truly cared about these people. He felt their pain like it was their own, because it was pain he’d experienced before. He truly meant it when he said he wanted to work for them. </p>
<p>“I don’t know if I can do this,” Alex said to him, right before he was going to give the speech announcing his candidacy. “What if I get laughed off the stage?” </p>
<p>He kissed Alex softly and said, “Baby girl, you’ve got a voice that makes people stand up and listen. Anyone who hears you talk has to listen to you, because you’re speaking from the heart. I meant it when I said America needs someone like you representing them. Don’t deny us that chance.” </p>
<p>He’ll never forget the way Alex looked at him. Alex kissed him again, once, and said, “Let’s do this.” </p>
<p>John was as enraptured as everyone else, listening to Alex talk. Every time Alex would get off the stage, he’d be anxious and down on himself, sure that he messed everything up. </p>
<p>“Was I talking too loud? Damn, I fucked it up, didn’t I? I got too excited and—” Alex would start in on himself. </p>
<p>And every time, John was there to hold his hand and calm him down. “Are you joking? You were <em> perfect.”  </em></p>
<p>As he rose in the polls, Alex gained his confidence back and the path to the White House seemed clearer than ever. And then they turned on CNN just in time to see Thomas announce his bid for the presidency as the Republican nominee. </p>
<p>Thomas Jefferson, his lifelong enemy. John thought Alex was gonna pop a blood vessel, he was so mad. Alex picked up his phone and called Thomas immediately, which shocked John because he didn’t know Alex had his personal number. </p>
<p>Thomas picked up on the second ring. “Hello?” </p>
<p>Alex said succinctly, “What the <em> fuck?”  </em></p>
<p>“I told myself it’d be worth it to run, if only just for this phone call.” Thomas laughed. “Man, was I right.”</p>
<p>“If you’ve got that much money and time to waste, go volunteer at a fucking soup kitchen.” Alex snarled. “Don’t waste the American people’s time.”</p>
<p>Thomas scoffed. “Right. You wanna know what your problem is, Alexander? Why you’re going to lose this election in a landslide?” </p>
<p>“No, since I’m not.” Alex shot back. </p>
<p>“You honestly think Republicans are stupid, and you think <em> you’re </em> the smartest one in the room, no matter where you go.” </p>
<p>“If I’m in a room with you, for sure.” </p>
<p>“Newsflash, asshole, you’re wrong.” Thomas’s voice went hard. “So let me tell you what you thought was gonna go down.” </p>
<p>Thomas continued before he could respond. “You thought that you’d run for the nominee, and everyone would count you out, Democrats and Republicans, because of your age and lack of experience with the federal government. And so the Republicans would put up the same old wrinkly white guy, expecting to face another wrinkly, old, white guy. But, surprise! You win the nomination, and look all young and fresh and full of energy next to a sack of bones. Then you win the election and everyone spends weeks saying they never saw it coming. Am I in the ballpark? Did I get it right?” </p>
<p>Alex was silent, because that was, in fact, his and Angelica’s prediction of events. </p>
<p>“You’re not the only one connected to ‘the youth’ or whatever the fuck. Anyone can go on Buzzfeed, we’ve all got social media. And if the next generation only has you as a leader to look up to, I feel sorry for the tube this country is going down.” </p>
<p>“You bastard—”</p>
<p>“So the Republican leaders asked me to run. Because I’m better than you in every way, especially since I actually know a thing or two about government, instead of making bold claims from my high horse in New York City. A city with an astounding crime and poverty rate, by the way.”</p>
<p>“I’m not going to let you manipulate the American people into thinking you’re their last hope,” Thomas went on. “I’m going to give them more than empty words and a big smile. And personally, I can’t wait to wipe that smug ass look off your face. Bye bye now, give my love to John.” </p>
<p>And then Thomas hung up the phone. </p>
<p>John reached out in an instant to hold Alex’s arm back, where it had swung back to throw his phone against the wall. “Don’t. You need that.” </p>
<p>John thought he might wanna talk through what this means, together. But instead Alex’s face closed off and he said, “I have so much work to do.” </p>
<p>After that, Alex and Angelica went militant. </p>
<p>“I don’t see what the big deal is,” John said as he made pasta in the kitchen. “What’s the difference between him and any other Republican you would’ve had to go against?” </p>
<p>Angelica had basically set up a war room at the dining table, with laptops open and papers spread everywhere. </p>
<p>“It’s pretty bad.” Angelica called back. “There are a lot of similarities between Thomas and Alex, at first. They’re the same age, graduated from prestigious schools, both undergrad and law school. They’ve both accomplished a lot in their careers despite the short amount of time they’ve been involved in politics. Hell, y’all even both married your high school sweethearts.” </p>
<p>“I’m not his—” John started. </p>
<p>“Well, we’ve been marketing your relationship like you were.” Angelica cut him off. “People love a solid, loving marriage. If you can maintain that, how much harder could maintaining a country be?”</p>
<p>John stiffened a little at his marriage being marketed, but Angelica didn’t notice. </p>
<p>“Anyway, all those similarities force voters to look at where they’re different,” Angelica explained. “And unfortunately, Thomas has a big advantage on his side, as the U.S. Ambassador to France. He has experience in D.C. Alex doesn’t.” </p>
<p>“You want to dig the knife in a little deeper, Ang?” Alex snapped.  </p>
<p>John placed a plate of pasta in front of Alex and brushed his hand through Alex’s hair. “Alex, it’s okay. You’re still the better candidate.”</p>
<p>Alex leaned into John’s touch, turning to rest his head on John’s hip. “I am. But now proving that to everyone else just got a lot harder.” </p>
<p>“I’m not afraid of Thomas.” Angelica said, shuffling the papers in her hand. “We just need to lock it down. Shift into overdrive. Or else he’ll will mop the floor with us.” </p>
<p>John hadn’t realized what “shifting into overdrive” meant. Instead of talking over decisions with John, Alex <em> made </em>decisions in consultation with Angelica and the top Democratic brass. Alex ramped up his travel, trying to reach as many voters as possible. He wanted John to go with him and John tried to come as much as possible, but he had a job. He had his own life outside of the campaign. So John spent more nights than he was used to in their big, empty apartment. He didn’t need John to kiss him good luck before his speeches anymore, it barely seemed like he needed John there at all, other than to wave goodbye to the crowd with him at the end. </p>
<p>Then followed the string of broken promises: dates canceled, dinner parties Alex couldn’t make it to, night after night of John going to bed alone after Alex “swore” he’d come home early. Their friends kept asking, “Where’s Alex?” And it’d be up to John to make his excuses, both to his friends and to himself. The dissatisfaction simmered inside John, but he held it down. <em> You knew there would be hard times, </em> he told himself. <em> No use crying about it now. </em>But the anger and disappointment piled up inside him, stacked like bricks. </p>
<p>“I swear, Angelica, I’m not sure which one of us is married to Alex these days.” John said as he barely avoided slamming the plates of take out down in front of the two of them, where they were camped out on the family room couch. </p>
<p>“Ha, don’t even joke about that!” Angelica laughed, though John only put minimal effort into making it sound like a joke. “I think you’re like Superman, for being able to put up with Alex for this long.” </p>
<p>“You think so?” John said, glancing at Alex. </p>
<p>But Alex didn’t even look at him, consumed with his prep for his radio interview. He didn’t notice that they were once again having Chinese for dinner, because John had stopped cooking dinner for them since he wasn’t a goddamn housewife. He didn’t hear the thinly veiled irritation in John’s voice, and he didn’t see the exasperated expression on his face. He didn’t care about John at all. </p>
<p>John cleared his throat. “I’m gonna head to bed.” </p>
<p>“What? But dinner just got here!” Angelica said. “You’re not gonna eat with us?” </p>
<p>“No, I’m not hungry.” He felt sick, actually. “And I don’t want to distract you guys.” </p>
<p>He stumbled into the bed but he couldn’t fall asleep. He laid on his side for who knows how long, staring blankly at the wall. That was the first night he realized they weren’t a team anymore. Alex had left him behind, and it fucking <em> hurt.  </em></p>
<p>He heard the door creak open. There was the sound of rustling, and then he felt the cold air rush in as Alex climbed underneath the covers. Alex curled his arms around him, and John didn’t move, pretending to be asleep. </p>
<p>“John.” Alex’s voice rang out loud in the quiet room. </p>
<p>John closed his eyes, didn’t respond. </p>
<p>“John, I know you’re awake. You snore when you’re sleeping.” </p>
<p>“Not as much as you.” John bit back on reflex, then sighed. “Fine, I’m awake.” </p>
<p>“Will you look at me?” </p>
<p>John didn’t turn around. “Why? You feel like talking to me now?”</p>
<p>Alex sighed. “I’ve been wondering too. Why you put up with me.” </p>
<p>So he had been listening. </p>
<p>“What’s so good about me? I talk too much, I’m abrasive, I get tunnel vision and forget about everything happening around me, even the important things. You’re the best thing in my life, and I feel like I keep failing you.” </p>
<p>John finally turned to face him. “You’re kind. Passionate. You go out of your way to help people, and you’re not afraid to speak up when something is wrong. And when you love someone, you love them with every part of your body.”</p>
<p>John looked down. “But I don’t know why I’m comforting you when I’m the one who’s upset.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, John. I know I’ve been out of touch lately—” </p>
<p>“Out of touch?” John snorted. “There are ghosts more present than you.”</p>
<p>“It’s only because the campaign is heating up and—” Alex shook his head. “No, I don’t want to make excuses. I haven’t been there for you and I’m sorry.” </p>
<p>“I appreciate that.” John softened a little. He just wanted to know that Alex still cared about how he felt. </p>
<p>“Just know I’m always thinking about you, even when I seem distant.” Alex’s hand cupped his face. “Especially when I’m distant. You keep me going.” </p>
<p>Alex kissed him, and John was like putty in his hands. It was stupid, but his heart still fluttered whenever Alex touched him. </p>
<p>“Let’s do something tomorrow, the two of us.” Alex said. “I’ll pick you up for lunch after the interview, I don’t give a fuck what anyone says.”</p>
<p>And for John, forgiveness was as simple as that. Just the minimal effort to spend with him, prove that their life still came first to him.</p>
<p>But that just became another painful cycle too. Fight, promise to do better, make up. Rinse, wash, repeat. John and Alex had been together a long time, so they were no strangers to fighting with each other. But these fights were longer, more frequent, more petty. Sometimes Alex wouldn’t even bother to do that much, so their boisterous home became a ghost town haunted by stony silences.</p>
<p>What hurt John the most was that sometimes, sometimes <em> his </em>Alex would come back to him. Like they’d be mingling at a fundraiser and Alex would make a face at him across the room, knowing that it would make John laugh. Or Alex would show up at the aquarium at the end of the day with food in hand, and they’d huddle over John’s desk and talk about their days like they used to. Even when Alex just put all his work down and rested his head on John’s shoulder, John felt so happy he could cry. But then he was gone, and that crushing feeling of loneliness circled around him like sharks in the water. </p>
<p>They couldn’t go on like this. That was clear to John now. He kept whispering <em> hold on, just hold on till after the election, </em> but he wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep it together until then. They needed to talk, no bullshit, just get all their feelings out into the open and figure out how they were going to make this work. John needed something to change, and the most terrifying part to John was that he didn’t know what. But Alex told him once, <em> stop trying to figure everything out alone. You’ll never have to be alone again, John, so stop acting like it. I’m here.  </em></p>
<p>When he got back to New York, they would talk. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was the second day of his second week of his stay in South Carolina when the news hit. </p>
<p>It was almost laughable how blissfully unaware he was. When he woke up that morning he had hopes, he was filled with optimism. His plan for the day was to go with Martha to the market and buy some peaches, since they were in season. They’d bake peach cobbler with the girls and take it to the park to eat it, play on the playground while they were at it. But first, he went on his morning run. </p>
<p>Running through the South Carolina landscape like this took him back to his childhood, despite his efforts to avoid thinking about it. He remembered being 16 and running outside for hours, breathing in deep and knowing that these were the only times he could be himself. With no one watching, he could exhale. That poor boy thought he’d spend his whole life holding his breath, until he crossed paths with Alexander Hamilton and his whole world flipped upside down. He wished, for the thousandth time, that Alex was there with him. He wanted them both to take a step back and realized how far they’d come. </p>
<p>He took it easy coming back to the house, slowing down to a jog. His mouth watered thinking about the bacon Martha probably already had grilling on the skillet. He was going to have to fight Ellie for the last strip, because the girl was ruthless when it came to her bacon. </p>
<p>John walked in the door, just in time to hear Martha say, “Oh my god.”</p>
<p>He followed the voice to the family room, where everyone had congregated instead of setting up the kitchen table. “What?” </p>
<p>In unison, Martha, David, and the girls whipped their eyes to him. Then David broke, and his eyes trailed back to the TV. John followed them. </p>
<p>By the time the newscaster got through saying the words, “extramarital affair”, all the thoughts in John’s head quieted to a steady hum. </p>
<p>He was broken out of the trance he’d fallen into when Kitty said, “Who’s that lady with Uncle Alex?” </p>
<p>Ellie smacked her on the shoulder and said, “Shhh. It’s grown up stuff.” </p>
<p>John turned and ran. </p>
<p>He heard Martha’s footsteps stomping after him, but John was faster. That was the one thing he was always good at: running. </p>
<p>“Jack!” Martha shouted. “Jack!” </p>
<p>But he didn’t know how to stop. He was going, going fast, no plan in mind. He ran and ran and ran until his legs said <em> stop. </em>When he did stop, chest heaving, he found himself at the duck pond. The one he wanted to take Alex to and watch the sun go down, and stare up at the stars, and hold his husband in his arms and never let go. </p>
<p>Instead, he collapsed onto the ground. He sat there and stared at the mama duck floating on the water, ducklings trailing behind her. He stayed there for hours, watching those ducks go round and round in circles. And then he got up, and he made his way back to the house. </p>
<p>He went straight for his room. He yanked open the dresser drawers and started throwing his clothes haphazardly into his open suitcase. John heard the sounds of loud footsteps, and then his door banged open. </p>
<p>“What are you doing?” Martha said, her voice tight. </p>
<p>“I’m packing. I need to go home.” He was single-mindedly focused on shoving all his stuff into the suitcase. “Tonight.” </p>
<p>“What?” </p>
<p>“Don’t worry, you don’t need to take me. It’ll probably be a late night flight…does Uber come out this far?” </p>
<p>Martha looked at him in utter disbelief. “What are you talking about, Jack?”  </p>
<p>“I need to go home. Something’s happened with Alex and I need to—” </p>
<p><em> “You </em>need to? That bastard should come down here and explain himself to you! Are you serious right now?” </p>
<p>“Martha, stop.” John shook his head. </p>
<p>“No, don’t ‘Martha’ me. I am done biting my tongue.” She sounded hot with fury. “That fucker lies to you, breaks your heart over and over again, and now he fucking <em> cheats </em>on you, drags your business out for the entire country to see, and you’re running back to him. This isn’t far enough for you?”</p>
<p>John stopped what he was doing. Stood up straight, looked at Martha head-on. “First of all, that’s my husband you’re talking about, so watch your mouth.”</p>
<p>Martha looked like she would explode with rage. </p>
<p>“Second of all, Alex didn’t cheat on me. He didn’t…he wouldn’t do that.” </p>
<p>Martha scoffed. “That’s not what CNN says.” </p>
<p>“I don’t give a<em> fuck </em> what CNN says! I know my husband.” </p>
<p>“And your husband wouldn’t go back on his word? He wouldn’t get too in over his head and make a dumb decision?”</p>
<p>“He wouldn’t do <em> this.”  </em></p>
<p>“How do you know?” Each word tore into John. “Did he tell you that? Has he called you at all?”</p>
<p>The question stripped away any last semblance of calm John had in him. He turned away so Martha couldn’t see his expression, and braced himself on the bedside table. </p>
<p>“No.” he said. “No, he hasn’t called me at all.”    </p>
<p>And then he broke down sobbing, the weight of everything that had happened crashing down on him all at once. Everything he’d been holding in just flowed out of him in an ugly display of emotion, but he couldn’t stop himself. It was all coming out.</p>
<p>Martha was by his side in an instant, hugging him from behind. “I’m so sorry, Jack. I’m sorry this is happening.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything’s falling apart.” John sobbed, his chest heaving for air. “But I have to go home. I can’t—I <em> need </em>to go home.” </p>
<p>“Shhh, calm down.” Martha rocked him in her arms. “Okay, go home. But not tonight. Tonight you’ll spend the rest of the time you’re here with your family, and after we put the kids to bed, we’ll bust out the real alcohol and get trashed, alright?” </p>
<p>John chuckled wetly. “Alright.” </p>
<p>“But listen to me when I say this.” Martha held onto him tighter before he could let go. “Every time he’s crossed the line, you’ve pushed it back for him. Again and again. There’s nowhere else for you to go now. He’s pushed it to the limit. When you go back home, don’t shove your feelings down. You’re not doing either of you a favor like that. Stand up for your marriage.” </p>
<p>John didn’t respond, but gripped her tightly. They stood there, breathing together until the tears stopped.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There were five things you needed to know. </p>
<p>Number One: You had never seen a bastard orphan more in need of a break than Alexander Hamilton, sitting in his office. </p>
<p>He yawned as he typed up his tenth draft of the script for an advertisement he was gonna have filmed this week. He told Angelica that the best way he could reach the people was by speaking to them directly, so he wanted to film an ad with him actually in it, having a candid conversation with the camera, and by extension the country. He wanted to remind people who he was, not who Thomas was trying to paint him as. </p>
<p>It had been a busy, exhausting week. He’d been working his ass off to get back the momentum Thomas had stolen from him. He made several impromptu trips to surrounding states like Pennsylvania, Ohio, Delaware, holding small rallies and meet and greets. He oversaw the production of another ad and then squeezed in an interview on NBC News. Angelica was trying to set up another radio spot, and tossing around the idea of a town hall in one of the swing states, and Alex felt like he was going to pass out. The only thing keeping him typing is his determination and endless cups of coffee. </p>
<p>When he finished with the draft (grimacing a little, because he was sure he was gonna end up writing an eleventh draft), he slumped back into his seat and rubbed his eyes. With his work done for tonight and nothing to distract him, Alex let out a long sigh. He couldn’t stop the feeling of longing and heartache that rose within him. </p>
<p>He missed John. He had only been gone for a week, and every part of Alex yearned to see him again. He considered a day a success if, no matter how late it was, he could make it in bed to curl up next to John. The only thing left now was John’s warm, honey scent on the sheets, and it made Alex feel terribly lonely. </p>
<p>Alex wished that they could’ve parted ways on better terms. He hated that his last memory of John was John looking at him like he had let him down. Again. At least they made up, barely, but these days it felt like the two of them were either pre-fight or post-fight. There was always something Alex had done wrong or forgot, so he was always the one apologizing. He said sorry more often than he breathed these days.</p>
<p>Don’t get him wrong, he <em> had </em> been messing up a lot lately, but sometimes he wished John would cut him some slack. It wasn’t like all of this was easy for him either. He would give anything to be in South Carolina with John, playing with his cute nieces and stretching out in the sun next to his beautiful husband. The thought of having John all to himself, no other bullshit to worry about, was intoxicating. He’d been just as upset as John when things didn’t work out, but what could he do? They had the rest of their lives to go on vacation. There were only four months to the election and he had to put his gas on the pedal <em> now.  </em></p>
<p>Still, it wasn’t easy fighting with John. They’d been together for a long time, but he still got a knot in his stomach every time he made John frown. When John would shrink away from his touch or give him that icy look, his heart sank. He’d be distracted all day, thinking about ways to make him happy again. He didn’t know how to make John see that it wouldn’t be like this forever, things would go back to normal eventually. Until then, they both had to endure. </p>
<p>Alex fingered the edge of the picture frame on his desk. It held a picture of him and John on their wedding day, when they were dancing. They’d taken off their blazers, so it was Alex in his gold waistcoat, John in his silver waistcoat. Their faces were close together, and he loved this picture the most because of the way John looked in it. He was gorgeous, hair in a low bun, smile stretched wide across his face. He looked down at Alex like they were the only two people in the world, like nothing else mattered to him. If Alex closed his eyes, he could go right back there, to looking into John’s beautiful eyes and knowing that his life was gonna be amazing no matter what, because John was in it. </p>
<p>Alex sighed again. Their wedding was the happiest day of his life, but now it felt like there was an ocean between them. He promised himself, when the election was over, win or lose, he'd take John on a two week trip, wherever John wanted to go. He’d lock their phones in a drawer and they would talk for <em> hours, </em> about everything. He’d let John get anything he wanted to off his chest, and together they’d heal. And then he’d take John apart, or let John take him apart (it definitely had not escaped his notice that it had been a while since they’d been <em> intimate </em> with each other). They wouldn’t leave until they were finally on the same page. </p>
<p>He rubbed his face and decided fuck it, he was gonna get a drink. He deserved a cold beer before he geared himself up to jump into that huge, empty bed alone. </p>
<p>Number Two: The bar he went to was one he frequented regularly, because it was known for its privacy considering its clientele was usually socialites and politicians. There was a strict no photography allowed policy. Usually, it was followed. </p>
<p>Alex sipped his beer at a corner table that was a little tucked away. Though the bar was nearly empty on account of it being Sunday night, and people were normally good at minding their own business, he felt like flying under the radar tonight. He wanted to be alone with his beer and his thoughts. </p>
<p>He considered inviting one of his friends to have a drink with him. Lord knows it had been forever since he’d actually hung out with anyone. Even with Angelica, he’d consider them more business associates than anything at the moment. But at the same time, it had been a while since he’d been alone with himself. The race clung to him every day like a monkey on his back, so it was nice to have a moment to himself. A nice, quiet night to start off the week. </p>
<p>Then Maria Reynolds walked in. </p>
<p>Number Three: Alex was a person who relied on his instincts. He believed following his gut had led him to be as successful as he was, so when he thought something was off, he acted. And things were off. </p>
<p>Maria Reynolds or Maria Lewis, as he’d known her in high school, walked through the door with her husband, as he guessed the man was by the possessive hand he had wrapped around her arm. She had a resigned look on her face that set off alarm bells in Alex’s head. </p>
<p>It had been a while since he’d seen Maria, since anyone had, really. They were never really close (outside of a few misguided hookups), but she’d been friends with the Schuyler sisters. Then after college he’d lost track of her, only hearing through random gossip that she’d gotten married to James Reynolds, the son of some rich people who owned some megacorporation that definitely treated its workers like shit. </p>
<p>Alex kept his head down, tried to mind his business. The last thing he needed to do was cause a scene, especially based on a bad gut feeling. But he kept glancing over at the couple again and again. The more James drank, the louder he got. He yelled at the TV playing in the bar, yelled at the bartender to get him more drinks. Maria quietly asked him to slow down, and James told her to shut up. She looked more miserable by the minute. The whole situation was a ticking time bomb, waiting to go off. </p>
<p>Then Maria said, “James, you’ve had enough.” And tried to take the drink out of his hand.</p>
<p>James smacked her hand away hard and said, “Try that again and see what happens.” </p>
<p>Maria rubbed her hand, looking near to tears. “Fine.” </p>
<p>She turned and tried to walk away, only for James to grab her by the wrist and physically yank her backwards. </p>
<p>“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” The skin stretched over his knuckles as he tightened his grip around her wrist. </p>
<p>Maria struggled against him. “James, stop. You’re hurting me.” </p>
<p>“Who do you think you think you are, huh? Walking away from me?” </p>
<p>“James, please.” She was trying to keep her volume low, but the desperation was clear as day in her voice. </p>
<p>“Answer me.” He tried to drag her closer to him. “Who the fuck do you think you are?” </p>
<p>“James—” </p>
<p>“She said let go.” </p>
<p>Number Four: He was never going to stand on the sidelines while someone was being abused right in front of his face. <em> Never.  </em></p>
<p>Alex was up and flying out of his chair before he could up with any reason to stop himself. He had a tight grip on James’ shoulder, and it took everything in him not to lay James out on the floor on sight. </p>
<p>Maria’s eyes widened. “Alex? What are you doing here?” </p>
<p>“Are you deaf?” Alex said, still addressing James. “Let go of her.” </p>
<p>James turned his head to look at him, confusion on his face until his eyes flashed with recognition. “You’re fucking with me. Alexander Hamilton?”</p>
<p>Alex tightened his grip on his shoulder. “I’m not gonna say it again.” </p>
<p>“What, you think you’re some big man? Some backwards ass foreigner isn’t gonna tell me what I can and can’t do with <em> my </em>wife.” James scoffed. “I can’t wait to see Jefferson kick your ass.” </p>
<p>“Someone’s ass is about to get kicked if you don’t<em> take your fucking hands off of her.”  </em></p>
<p>“Alex, is everything alright?” The bartender called out, finally clocking into the situation. “Or do I need to take care of this?” </p>
<p>“Nah, I’m good, Tommy. This guy’s had a little too much to drink, so he’s gonna go talk a walk.” Alexander dropped his voice down. “One way or another.” </p>
<p>James glared at him, eyes murderous. But he knew when to walk away, so he did, slamming out the door without a second look back. </p>
<p>Maria curled in on herself, covering her mouth and the tears rolled down her face. Her breaths were slow and heavy, and Alex knew she was trying to get herself back under control, stop herself from showing more emotion than necessary. It was a technique he’d seen his mother employ many, many times. </p>
<p>He came a little closer, spoke quietly. “Do you have anywhere you can go? Somewhere safe?” </p>
<p>“Other than our hotel room, no.” Maria choked out. “We don’t live here, I don’t—I can’t—” </p>
<p>Alexander understood what she was trying to say without her saying it. She had nowhere to go except back to her husband. And back to her husband was the one place she couldn’t go, not tonight. Not when he was lying in wait to express the full brunt of his emotions where there was no audience to intervene. </p>
<p>Number Five: He saw his mother’s face in Maria’s eyes. A woman who was strong, but at her limit. She was holding it together, but fraying at the seams. She needed someone to reach their hand out and <em> help </em> her <em> , </em>offer her a way out, a reprieve from what her life had become. His mother didn’t get that, really, until she died. Alex never wanted to feel so helpless again, to watch someone in crisis and be too weak to step up. </p>
<p>“Let’s go,” he said, with zero hesitation. “Stay with me tonight.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was silent, at first. They walked home without saying a word, eyes facing forward. Alexander had an arm around Maria’s shoulders, shielding her from, well, the world. When they arrived at his apartment, he led her to the couch and sat her down, then went to make a cup of tea for the both of them. He grabbed the canister of cinnamon tea that John got from Secret Santa at his job last year, the one that made John’s mouth taste like a bakery every time he drank it. He took his time brewing it, giving Maria the chance to collect herself. When he was done, he handed her her cup and sat down next to her. </p>
<p>“I like drinking something warm when I’m upset,” Alex told her. “Calms me down.” </p>
<p>Maria said nothing. She sipped her tea and looked forward. </p>
<p>Alex allowed the silence to go on for a little longer, then asked what needed to be asked. “Has he done this before?” </p>
<p>Maria looked down. The stony look on her face said it all. </p>
<p>Alex sucked in a breath, then gave her a sharp nod. “Right. I know I’m not the first person to tell you you should leave him, but I’ll say as many times as I need to. You need to leave him, Maria. For yourself.” </p>
<p>Maria shook her head furiously. “You don’t understand. And honestly, it’s none of your business.” </p>
<p>“If he’s gotten to the point where he’s pushing you around in public, it’s everyone’s business.” Maria flinched at his words, but he had to be blunt. </p>
<p>“I’m not gonna guilt you or judge you. I don’t have the right to do that, not me or anyone else.” Alex said. “I can’t force you to do something you’re not ready to do. But if you’re looking for a sign, this is it. I’m your guardian angel, telling you that shit has gone too far.” </p>
<p>Maria laughed a little, and Alex felt happy that he was able to lift her mood a little bit. But he had to continue, “It’ll go downhill from here. I know it’s scary to walk away, but you can’t stay with him. He stopped being your husband the moment he put his hands on you. You’ve gotta be the one to save yourself. Don’t let him break you any further.” </p>
<p>With that, Maria broke down crying again. “I know. I know I should leave him but…what am I supposed to do? My kids need a father. He’s so good to them, he’s good to me when he’s not in a bad mood. I can’t tear my whole family apart, I can’t—” </p>
<p>“He’s not good to the kids if he’s not good to their mother.” Alex cut in. “And the kids know it. Children always know what’s happening. If you do this, you show them that there are lines that can’t be crossed. There are things you don’t do when you love someone. Your children deserve more than a father like that.”</p>
<p>He remembered his mother saying to him, <em> I do this for you. </em>Every time he asks why she stayed with his father, she’d say that. Because she would endure anything for Alex’s livelihood, and they needed his father’s income. She’d do anything to keep Alex fed and healthy, and it would make Alex feel so sick. Like if he didn’t exist, his mother might have the chance to be happy. No child deserves to feel like that. </p>
<p>Maria was sobbing heavily now, and Alex put an arm around her to comfort her. She buried her face in his shoulder and Alex let her cry it out. </p>
<p>“You’re not alone,” Alex rubbed her arm. “I know it’s been a while but the Schuylers would look out for you if you reached out to them.” </p>
<p>“Please don’t tell them about this,” she begged. “Angelica and I stopped talking because of James. I don’t want to see her say she told me so.” </p>
<p>“She wouldn’t do that. But I won’t tell anyone anything if you don’t want me to.” he reassured her. “It’s not just them, you have me too. I’ll help you in whatever way I can.” </p>
<p>She sniffled. “Thank you, Alex. You’re a good man.”</p>
<p>He shrugged. “It’s nothing.”</p>
<p>“No, really. You’re a good person.” She lifted her head from his shoulder, and her voice was different somehow. “You’re one of the best people I know. I’ve always thought that. I’m so glad you were there, I don’t know what I would’ve done without you…” </p>
<p>And then she was leaning forward, and Alex froze, because he physically could not compute what was going on. But when he did, he practically vaulted off the couch before their lips could brush, eyes wide and panicked. </p>
<p>“What the <em> fuck?” </em>he shouted, unable to modulate his voice from the surprise. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Maria babbled, curling in on herself again. “I thought—you were being so nice to me, and I thought—” </p>
<p>“Maria.” Alex said, and he took a deep breath to compose himself. “I’m sorry for yelling. I was surprised, that’s all. I’m going to get you some clothes to change into, and then you can take the bed. I’ll sleep on the couch. I can get you food, I can find you a spare toothbrush, and I’ll give you my number so that you can reach me if you ever need anything. I’ll do anything I can to help you, but I <em> cannot </em>do…that. Are we…do you understand what I’m saying?” </p>
<p>Maria nodded. “Yes, of course. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have—” </p>
<p>“It’s fine.” Alex was ready to pretend it didn’t happen. “I’ll get the stuff.” </p>
<p>He went into his bedroom to find clothes that were small enough to work for Maria, since this was a home made up of two men, no girls’ clothes in sight. His hands moved through the drawer but his mind wasn’t on the task. His heart was still pounding, because he couldn’t believe what just happened, or what almost happened. </p>
<p>If he had to describe what he was feeling, he’d say he was purely baffled more than anything. How could anyone sit in this apartment, covered wall to wall with pictures of John and Alex: their wedding photos, beach trip pictures, group shots with John and Alex kissing in the background, hand drawn portraits of Alex and the two of them that John had drawn over the years, or just the matching coats hanging up on the hook, the turtle patterned mug that obviously wasn’t his own—how could anyone look at all of that, and think that Alex was a kissable object? </p>
<p>It’d been a long time since anyone had tried. When he went clubbing with Lafayette in the past, just to have some fun and relieve some stress, girls and guys alike would buy him drinks until they looked at him, and they’d give up. One girl described it to him succinctly.</p>
<p>“You’re claimed,” she said, slurring her words a little. “You’ve got that look in your eyes that says half of you is here, and the other half is with whoever’s got you.” </p>
<p>When he told John that, as soon as he got home, John’s reaction surprised him. He jumped Alex, pinned him to the bed and kissed him all over. The expression on his face was pure joy. </p>
<p>“Let me show you who you belong to,” John whispered in his ear, and Alex thought he’d melt into the mattress. </p>
<p>It made him happy that everyone could see what stitched in his soul, what he felt with his whole body. All of him belonged to John, just like all of John belonged to him. Getting married only layered that shield, but it had been true of them for a long, long time. So this was a real shock. </p>
<p>He gave Maria an old shirt and sweatpants of his, wished her goodnight, and slept on the couch. The next morning, he gave her his number, told her to call him any time if she needed something, and walked her out. </p>
<p>She turned to him one last time, right before she stepped out onto the sidewalk. “Thank you again for everything. Your husband’s lucky to have a man like you in his life.” </p>
<p>Alex shook his head, smiled. “I’m the one who’s lucky to have him. Anyway, I told you, I haven’t done anything special. You don’t need to thank me for doing the right thing.” </p>
<p>Maria smiled at him. “Yes, I do.” </p>
<p>And she left. And Alex went about with the rest of his day as packed and busy as it was. Like he promised, he didn’t mention it to Angelica or anyone. He shoved the whole night out of memory, and hoped that Maria would figure things out somehow. Alex went to bed, and everything was fine. </p>
<p>Tuesday morning, he woke up to someone banging on his door. Like, banging so loud his next door neighbors must’ve woken up to it too. </p>
<p>He stumbled out of his room, shouting, “I’m coming, I’m coming!” </p>
<p>When he opened the door, Angelica barreled her way inside. </p>
<p>Alex closed the door behind her. “What are you doing here? I thought we agreed to have a late st—” </p>
<p>Angelica whipped around and smacked him so hard across the face, his ears rang. He rocked backwards, his cheek burning. The shock of the action stunned him into silence. </p>
<p>“How dare you?” Angelica said, voice hushed. “John puts up with all your shit, stands by your side no matter what, <em> believes </em>in you even when you don’t deserve it, and you do him like this? You’re already scum, and you haven’t even gotten into the White House yet.” </p>
<p>His cheek was still throbbing. He blinked, and said slowly, “What did I do?” </p>
<p>Angelica looked like she was going to hit him again. “Really? That’s how you’re gonna play it?”</p>
<p>“Angelica, what did I do?” </p>
<p>She scoffed, grabbed the TV remote and turned on the news. “Fine, let’s find out together.” </p>
<p>As soon he saw his name and “extramarital affair” on the screen, Alex thought he was dreaming. Like, he thought he must be losing his mind, because for some reason CNN was reporting that he was having an affair. CNN, which broadcasted to millions of people’s homes. </p>
<p>“Why is CNN saying I’m having an affair?” It sounded like a joke, like a laugh track was gonna sound off in the background. “Wait. Hold on a second. Do you—do you think I’m having an affair?” </p>
<p>Angelica looked at him with skepticism. “You’re not?” </p>
<p>“Are you out of your <em> goddamn mind?” </em> Alex had never spoken to her like that before, but the situation called for it. “You think I would—wait, what the fuck, this is on <em> CNN. </em>Does that mean everyone’s seeing this shit? What the fuck is going on?”</p>
<p>“Alex, slow down and tell me what happened.” Angelica moved closer to him. “Because they have pictures.” </p>
<p>Alexander recoiled away from her. “Pictures of what? Me helping someone down on their luck?” </p>
<p>Angelica reached forward again and grabbed his arms. “Stop and tell me exactly what happened. I mean, I didn’t even know you and Maria were still in contact.”</p>
<p>“We’re not!” Alexander shouted at her. “I was having a drink at the bar and she came with her deadbeat husband! He started pushing her around, I stepped in. She didn’t want to go home with him, for obvious reasons, so I let her sleep over at my place.” </p>
<p>Angelica gave him another look. </p>
<p>“For fuck’s sake, <em> she </em> slept on the bed, <em> I </em>slept on the couch.” he spat out. “I swear on my mom’s grave that—no, you know what, fuck that. I shouldn’t have to beg you to believe me. I can’t believe you think I’d do that. I thought we were family.” </p>
<p>Alex was absolutely livid. There are no words to describe the feeling of watching something absolutely, totally, <em> categorically </em> false about you presented on national television as if it’s true. He wanted to shout at the TV, <em> how can you believe this shit? </em>He hadn’t so much as thought about another person since he walked out onto a rooftop and saw a boy standing on the edge, so beautiful it hurt him.</p>
<p>Angelica had the decency to look apologetic. “I’m sorry. It looked—I’m sorry. No excuses. I should’ve given you the benefit of the doubt.” </p>
<p>Alexander glared at her and said nothing. </p>
<p>“Be mad at me later, okay?” Angelica sighed. “This is actually worse news.” </p>
<p>“It’s a bad thing I didn’t cheat on my husband?” Alex said incredulously. </p>
<p>“Yes. I mean, no, of course not.” Angelica was quick to clarify. “I was going to say before that I hope it was worth it. But you didn’t actually do it, and the time we’re gonna have to spend to convince people of that is…time we don’t have. I’d say Jefferson planned this if I didn’t know what a dumbass he is.”  </p>
<p>“Jefferson?” </p>
<p>Angelica frowned. “Apparently, she’s an advisor on his campaign.” </p>
<p>Alexander wanted the whole world to burn down. </p>
<p>“Look on the bright side,” Angelica said. “At least your balls live to see another day. Because I was gonna go for them next.” </p>
<p>“Thanks, Ang. I feel better already.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next couple days of his life were an unadulterated, unending nightmare. He and his team released a statement immediately, denouncing the report and unequivocally denying any and all claims of an affair. But as Angelica predicted, no one believed him. It poisoned the air of all of his events, the piercing eyes of everyone in the audience digging into him. The applause was more subdued, and whispers would follow him as he left the stage. </p>
<p>Thomas didn’t waste time twisting the knife, commenting that, “It seems like Hamilton has his focus on something other than the will of the American people. Make no mistake, this is a taste of what’s to come with a Hamilton presidency. He serves no one but himself.” </p>
<p>Angelica had to take his phone and laptop away from him for the night, to keep him from tweeting Thomas to bend over so he could show him where his shoe fit. </p>
<p>He’d been keeping off his phone as much as possible, since it’d be ringing off the hook with everyone he’d ever known trying to interrogate him for the truth.</p>
<p>“Angelica, can you tell our friends if they need to ask, they can lose my phone number.” Alex snapped at her as soon as she walked into the campaign office. “I don’t need to justify myself to anyone.” </p>
<p>She waved her hands in a placating manner and said, “Will do.” With the mood Alex was in, it was better for her to talk less and keep it moving. </p>
<p>What bothered Alex the most was that he could escape the nagging feeling that he was forgetting something. It pounded at the back of his head, but he couldn’t figure it out. He didn’t have time <em> to </em>figure it out, he had to save his campaign before it burst into flames. All his focus had to be devoted to that. </p>
<p>And then to top the icing on the shit cake, Maria called him. </p>
<p>When he saw an unknown number calling him, he almost didn’t pick up. But something told him it was important, so he raised the phone to his ear and said, “Hello?”</p>
<p>There was a moment of silence, and then, “Alex. I’m so sorry.” </p>
<p>At first, Alexander only saw red. “What are you sorry for? The pictures? Or the fact that you forgot to mention that you work on Jefferson’s campaign?”</p>
<p>There was nothing but the sound of Maria’s breath. </p>
<p>“Be straight up with me, was this a set up? The whole story, everything, was that all a lie? Because you sure fooled me!” </p>
<p>“I’m going to forgive you, because this is a fucked up situation that you don’t deserve.” Maria said calmly. “I’m going to pretend that you didn’t suggest I lied about my husband abusing me, and that I can’t just hang up the phone right now. It’s not just your face on the news, Alex. If you read half the things people are saying about me, it’d make your stomach turn.” </p>
<p>Alex deflated at once. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, you don’t deserve that. I—it’s been a stressful couple of days.”</p>
<p>“I know.” she said shortly. “By the way, I’m not an advisor. James is a major donor to Jefferson’s campaign, and he makes me volunteer at the campaign office in Richmond sometimes. That’s all.”</p>
<p>“Ah.” All he felt was numb now. </p>
<p>“This is all my fault.” Maria sniffled. “I didn’t think he’d call reporters. I didn’t think he’d do that to our family, but—ha, that’s the worst part. I don’t even know if he cared more about hurting you or me.” </p>
<p>“It’s not your fault. You have no control over what he does.” Alex insisted. “What matters is what we do next.” </p>
<p>“Next?” </p>
<p>“You have to tell the truth. What actually happened.” he told her. “I didn’t go into detail because it wasn’t my story to tell. No one believes me, but they’ll believe you if you tell them what happened. What he did.”</p>
<p>“Absolutely not.” Maria responded immediately. “You want me to invite everyone’s nose up my business? My children have already seen this nonsense, I’m not going to hurt them any further.”</p>
<p>“You’d rather have them think you’re a cheater?” He heard Maria exhale. “Because right now, that’s what everyone thinks.” </p>
<p>“I can’t do it, Alex.” she said, softer now. </p>
<p>“You only have to talk about that night, nothing else.” Alex pleaded. “The fact is, our lives are never going to calm down until all this is settled. Please. Don’t do it for me, do it for your kids. For your family. God, for yourself even! For once, stand up for yourself with pride!” </p>
<p>“I have to go.” she said abruptly. </p>
<p>“Maria, wait—” </p>
<p>Three beeps, and the line disconnected. He tried to call her back, but it went straight to voicemail. </p>
<p>So then it was Friday, and he was lying on the couch at the end of the day. Angelica tried to shake him down for Maria’s number, so she could “convince” her to speak up, but Alex refused to give it to her. This wasn’t something Maria should be pressured into, she had to want to do it, Alex wouldn’t budge on that.</p>
<p>“Every day she doesn’t speak up is another day you lose votes!” Angelica yelled at him. “Is that alright with you?” </p>
<p>“Does it look alright with me?” Alex snapped back. “But I’m not the type of man who’ll force a woman on the stage because it’ll make me look better. You want a guy like that, find another campaign to work out.” </p>
<p>Angelica stormed out of the office without another word, and Alex sent everyone home early for the day. </p>
<p>He laid back on his couch with his arm over his eyes, breathing. Everything was falling apart. The worst part, what made him the most miserable, was that all of this was getting away from the reasons he wanted to run for president in the first place. It was like no one cared about his policies or his plan, all anyone wanted to talk about was this. This which, if anyone actually knew him at all, would know is completely impossible, would never happen. But even his friends believed it, even if it was only for a second. He felt so alone, so totally alone, like there was no one out there that understood him at all. </p>
<p>A key turned in the lock, and Alex knew that was Angelica coming to apologize. He’d given her the spare key so she could get in and out of his place easily. </p>
<p>“Angelica, it’s alright. We’re both stressed, that’s all.” </p>
<p>Angelica didn’t say anything. He heard the thump of a bag hitting the floor. </p>
<p>Alex sat up and saw—standing there, at the door like an angel from heaven, like the sun coming down to shine upon him, was the one person who mattered to him more than anyone in the world. Standing there, a few days earlier than expected, was John. </p>
<p><em> John </em>had come back for him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Alex stood up so fast out of his seat, he made himself dizzy. John was <em> here. </em>His heart was calling out for someone who understood him completely and who was always on his side, and there John was. Right before he could go totally crazy, John had come to save him. </p>
<p>Alex rushed over and pulled John into him, smiling and soaking in his comforting, familiar scent. He was overwhelmed all of a sudden by how much he had <em> missed </em>him. </p>
<p>“John, thank god you’re here!” Alex buried his face into John’s shoulder. “You’re the only one who understands what I’m trying to do here—” </p>
<p>Alex pulled back to take in his husband’s beautiful face and—and. There wasn’t one word to describe how John looked at him. The best Alex could go with was…John looked at him like he was a total stranger, an alien. His eyes were past icy. They were so cold they <em> burned, </em> and his body was so stiff it was like hugging a statue. He looked at Alex like he had no idea who he was. </p>
<p>And Alex’s stomach dropped straight through the floor, because he realized what he forgot. In the midst of everything, he had just now realized that he hadn’t once picked up the phone to tell John—well, anything. The whole world thought he was having an affair, and he forgot to call his husband.</p>
<p>“Oh.” Alex backed up. “John, wait. Before you—let me explain—”</p>
<p>“Alexander,” John’s voice sounded different to him, foreign. Fuck, how long had it been since he heard John’s voice? “I’m going to ask you right now to put your phone on silent. Because we’re about to have the biggest fight of our lives, and if you glance at your phone <em> once, </em>I’m going to pick up my bag and walk right back out the door.”</p>
<p>In an embarrassing display of agreement, Alex took his phone out of his pocket and threw it somewhere behind him. The sound of it crashing against the floor resounded in the deathly silent room. </p>
<p>“I’m all yours.” Alex declared. “Just, please, before you say anything, let me—” </p>
<p>“Alexander.” </p>
<p>“Please.” he begged, and John’s lips set in a straight line. He gestured for Alex to go ahead.</p>
<p>“I did not, I repeat, <em> did not </em> have an affair.” It was humiliating just to say the words. “I—she came to the bar with her husband and he was hurting her, so I shut that down fast and—she had nowhere else to go and I couldn’t—I wasn’t gonna <em> leave </em>her there, so I let her stay at our place for the night—” </p>
<p>“I know you didn’t cheat on me.”</p>
<p>“—I let her take the bed, I slept on the couch. <em> Nothing </em> happened. Hell, she tried to kiss me and I backflipped over the couch and told her I would <em> never </em>do—wait, what? What did you say?” </p>
<p>“I know you didn’t have an affair,” John’s face was remote, stone cold. “I know who I married. You wouldn’t do that.” </p>
<p>Alex let out a sigh of relief. “Right, exactly! You get it. So, then—then what are fighting about? You know I didn’t—” </p>
<p>“I know you’re not stupid.” John continued. “If you were gonna cheat on me, you’d at least wait till after the election. Hell, maybe you might even do me a favor and wait till after the first 100 days.”</p>
<p>It horrified him to hear John talk about his possible infidelity so casually. “I wouldn’t cheat on you ever. There’s no one in the world who can hold a candle to you, you know that.” </p>
<p>John raised his eyebrows, and then he laughed. It was a harsh, ugly noise that scratched against his ears like nails on a chalkboard. It was beginning to settle over Alex that things were very, very wrong. </p>
<p>Alex moved forward, reached out to him. “John—” </p>
<p>John smacked his hand away and said, <em> “Don’t touch me.”  </em></p>
<p>He looked into John’s eyes, hand stinging, and realized that John was <em> furious.  </em></p>
<p>“We’re not kids anymore, Alex. So don’t say that shit to me, because I’m done believing every little thing you say. I’m done letting you make me look like an idiot for thinking you care about anyone but yourself.” </p>
<p>There are many different fights a couple can have. There are disagreements, minor squabbles, fights that stop and start. But then there’s the blowout fight, the kind that spans across time. You move around the room, go from sitting to standing, standing to sitting, talking to yelling. The fight is about one thing and then it’s about <em> everything, </em>with no break or pause to breathe. It’s a bomb that can detonate a relationship, or make it stronger. But like everything about Alex and John, they outdid themselves. </p>
<p>The conversation went in circles, on and on. They’d go from petty, low blows like: </p>
<p>“Did you forget you were running for president?” John shouted at him. “You walk around in public with your arm around this girl, bring her into our home, walk her out, and don’t expect people to get the wrong idea? She’s even wearing your clothes! It’s like you wanted people to think something was going on!” </p>
<p>“Yeah, you’re right, John. ‘This girl’ chose a bad time to get roughed up by her husband in front of me.” Alex snapped back. “I should’ve sent her back to her hotel and to her drunk and angry husband, I’ll remember that for next time.” </p>
<p>John glared at him. “Don’t twist my words, you know that’s not what I’m saying.”</p>
<p>“What are you saying?” Alex said. “I saw someone in trouble, I acted. I wasn’t thinking about being president. All I cared about was helping someone in trouble, and that’s what I did.” </p>
<p>“That’s all?” John said under his breath. “I saw the pictures. The way you were smiling at each other.” </p>
<p>“I was smiling because we were talking about you!” Alex threw his arms out in exasperation. “I told her I was lucky to have you!”</p>
<p>John scoffed. “Yeah, I bet. You were feeling so lucky, you lost my goddamn number for the past week—”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, okay?” Alex put as much feeling into the words. “I fucked up. I’m sorry, John.” </p>
<p>John shook his head. “That’s not enough, Alex.” </p>
<p>Then the conversation would get serious, their words harsher: </p>
<p>“You know, I <em> asked </em>you.” Alex said, and John turned to look at him. “You act like I forced you into all of this, but the first thing I did ask for your permission. You knew things would get tough, and you said yes anyway. So you don’t get to blame me when I’ve been nothing but upfront with you from the beginning about how hard things would be. </p>
<p>“I didn’t know things would be like this.” John looked like he was about to say something else, then changed his mind. “No, you know what? What if I said no? If I said, no, Alex, you can’t run for president. You can’t fulfill the dream you’ve had since forever, since before I met you. I won’t let you. Can you honestly tell me you wouldn’t have resented me?”</p>
<p>“Resent you?” Alex repeated in disbelief. “You’re my husband, I wouldn’t <em> resent </em>you.”</p>
<p>“Really?” John’s glare tore into him. “You’re telling me there’d never be a day where you’d turn on the news and see some shit happen, and you’d think that <em> you </em> would’ve done it better if you were in charge? There would never be a day where you’d regret not running, and remember that the <em> only </em>thing holding you back was me?”</p>
<p>“I…” Alex hesitated for one second, and it was enough for John’s eyes to flash with vindication. </p>
<p>“See? I’d always be the one who kept you from your dreams.” John looked at the ground. “I never had a choice, not really.”</p>
<p>There was a pause, and Alex took a risk and moved a little closer to him. “You’re wrong, John. I would’ve done whatever you wanted. I—I <em> love </em>you, I would never—” </p>
<p>“Don’t say that.” </p>
<p>That made Alex stop cold. “What? That I love you? I can’t tell you I love you?” </p>
<p>John crossed his arms, shook his head. He hunched over a little, like he was protecting himself from something. “No. Yes. I’m sorry, I just…I don’t want to hear that from you. Not right now.” </p>
<p>And Alex’s heart broke a little, right there. </p>
<p>They talked and talked, delaying the inevitable. They tried to avoid the moment, the point every fight like this came to, but they couldn’t. They reached their breaking point, and each said the thing they can’t take back, the truth they buried deep, deep down but couldn’t escape. </p>
<p>“I was on board when it was about the people,” John said. “Like, actually about giving back to your country. I know you meant it when you stood up on stage and told all those people that you were running for them, to be their champion. I believed in you, because you were fighting for something that mattered.” </p>
<p>John looked at him. “But that changed. Now it’s just a dick measuring contest for you.” </p>
<p>Alex sucked in a sharp breath, his head snapping up. “What?” </p>
<p>John nodded, kept going. “It’s not about anyone but yourself. You, you, you. You don’t care about anyone or anything except beating Jefferson and protecting goddamn pride.” </p>
<p>And Alex took that in. He absorbed the words into his body. And then he opened his mouth and said, “That’s not what this is really about, is it?” </p>
<p>But then he stopped. John pushed him, said, “No, go ahead. Tell me what this is about. I’d love to—” </p>
<p>“This is about the fact that you can’t stand that I have something just for myself.” Alex was like a balloon filled to brim with air and popped clean with a sharp needle. “You’re right, John, we’re not kids anymore. You can’t be my whole world anymore, I can have something important to me outside of you! This is <em> everything </em> to me, and I haven’t been killing myself day in and day out to back down now. I’m not going to drop the ball because you feel insecure. I—I’ve been there for you, I’m <em> always </em>there for you, and you can’t support me? Even if this isn’t something you want, can’t you stand by me?” </p>
<p>Silence. </p>
<p><em> “This </em>is everything to you?” John whispered, then nodded. “Right. Fine. Okay, let me tell you what it’s like to find out your husband’s having an affair.” </p>
<p>“I didn’t—” </p>
<p>“Alex, for once in your life, <em> stop talking.”  </em></p>
<p>Alex’s voice had cut out like someone had pressed a mute button. </p>
<p>“You wake up early in the morning and go for a run. It’s a beautiful day, and you miss your husband so much you can hardly breathe.” His voice had a dreamy quality, like his mind somewhere else. “You wish he was there with you right then, taking in the same gorgeous sights and soaking in the same sun. You want to hear his voice, feel his touch, hear the sound of his laugh. The week has been so good, but none of it means anything without him there. You miss him, but you keep telling yourself things won’t be like this forever. You have faith that things will get better.” </p>
<p>“And then you go home. You go home and breakfast isn’t on the table like you thought it’d be, because everyone is crowded around the TV. You ask them what happened and no one says a word. The silence is suffocating. No one says anything, and then you look at what they’re looking at. And...and your head goes fuzzy. All the thoughts inside you go quiet, you’re just numb. It’s not until you hear your niece, your little baby niece ask who that girl is with your husband that you come back to life. Not because of her, but because your other niece is the first one to answer. She tells her sister to be quiet because, as young as she is, she’s realized what happened. Even she knows how fucked up everything has gotten.” </p>
<p>Tears were spilling down Alex’s face at this point. “John, stop.” </p>
<p>John was crying now too. “So you turn and run, because you can’t handle the look on their faces, the <em> pity. </em> You run, run, run and then you stop. You’re at the lake, the one you planned on taking your husband to, and you wait. Because you know it’s not true, you tell yourself it’s not true, because you <em> know </em> him. You stare up at the sky and you wait for your husband to call, tell you that it’s not true, that it’s all a misunderstanding. You wait and you wait and you <em> wait, </em>and when he doesn’t call you think maybe…maybe it’s not a misunderstanding. Maybe…” </p>
<p>“Stop. Please, stop.” Alex was sobbing now, chest heaving. “I’m sorry, John. I’m so fucking sorry.”</p>
<p>John didn’t curl up this time. He drew up to his full height, looking at Alex right in the eye with tears flowing freely down his face. “My Alex would never let me think for a second that he could do something like that. I don’t know who you are, but I want him. All I want is <em> him </em>back.” </p>
<p>The words, which John himself hadn’t expected to say, split the air. Neither of them knew what to say or do next, and then Alex’s phone vibrated against the hardwood floor. </p>
<p>Their gazes snapped over to look at it, the sound knocking them out of the trance they’d fallen into. John looked at Alex, and the truth was so clear all of sudden. </p>
<p>John wiped his face, even as the tears kept coming. “I have to go.” </p>
<p>Alex wiped his nose. “Where are you gonna go? It’s late.”</p>
<p>John shook his head and backed away. “No, Alex. I have to <em> leave.”  </em></p>
<p>The words hit Alex like a slow motion punch across the face. John wasn’t talking about getting air or going to the store to give them the chance to breathe. He was <em> leaving </em>him. </p>
<p>“John, what are you talking about?” His body was frozen solid from the shock. </p>
<p>He watched his husband pick up his suitcase. “I can’t stay here. We need…space. To figure all this out. And I don’t know what that looks like, I just know we can’t keep going like this. Something needs to change and I—I need to <em> go.”  </em></p>
<p>John went for the door and Alex <em> teleported </em>to where he was, that was how fast he ran after John. Alex grabbed his wrist, the hand that wasn’t on the doorknob, and held onto it tightly, like his life depended on it. </p>
<p>“Let go.” John said. Quietly. </p>
<p>“I won’t.” He could hardly speak, his heart was beating so fast. “Don’t do this, John. I’m begging you, <em> don’t do this. </em> This won’t solve anything, please—” </p>
<p>“Let go.” </p>
<p>“You promised.” Alex gasped. “You promised me you wouldn’t run away when things got tough, not anymore. Don’t start now. Stay here and try to fix things with me. <em> Please.” </em> </p>
<p>John raised his head, but he didn’t turn back. “I’m not running away. I’m doing this for us. Because if I don’t—if I don’t leave right now, I’ll end up leaving for real. So please, <em> let go of me.”  </em></p>
<p>The words were like a bucket of acid thrown all over Alex. He flinched away from John, dropping his hand as if he’d been burned. </p>
<p>Without a second look back, John walked right out the door. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Angelica came to Alex’s apartment the next day, whistling. She turned the spare key in the lock and swung open the door. She turned on the light, turned around, and gasped at the sight of Alex sitting on the couch, stiff as a board. </p>
<p>“Alex, you scared me!” Angelica said, clutching her chest. “You better not have pulled another all-nighter. It’s not good for your health.” </p>
<p>“John left.” His voice was barely above a whisper. </p>
<p>Angelica heard the words, but didn’t register them. “Yeah, yeah, I know you miss him. That reminds me, I think it’d be good to have John with you at your next couple events, when he gets back. Show a united front and everything.” </p>
<p>Angelica went over to pull open the curtains, letting some natural light in. “But then again, I don’t want people to get distracted by John and turn this whole thing into a whole ‘standing by your man’ narrative, so it’s a little tricky. I’m torn.” </p>
<p>“He left me.” Alex said. </p>
<p>Angelica strolled over to the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge. “God, for once I want to focus on something other than this mess. It’s like people have forgotten there’s an election going on! Like, hello? Your healthcare is gonna be at risk whether Alexander Hamilton stuck his dick in someone else or not.”</p>
<p>“Ang—”</p>
<p>“I know, I know, you didn’t do it. But still.” Angelica stood in the doorway. “This is all ridiculous.”</p>
<p>“He left me.” Alex choked out. “John left me.” </p>
<p>It wasn’t clear what about this time made the words clock into Angelica’s head, but they did. Her entire body locked up, and all of her attention snapped to Alex. “What?” </p>
<p>It was then that she took in the scene. There were beer bottles littered around the ground around Alex, and Alex—Alex looked like a shadow of himself. His hair was in a ratty ponytail, he was hunched over as if he was carrying a heavy weight. His voice was battered, and his eyes were red-rimmed and swollen with bags underneath, as if he’d been crying all night. This was real.</p>
<p>“John came home early. We fought. And then he—he—” Alex was shaking, his breath rattling out of his chest. </p>
<p>Angelica flew over to him in an instant. She collapsed onto the couch and wrapped her arms around him. “Oh, Alex.” </p>
<p>“I couldn’t stop him. He told me if I didn’t let him go he’d leave for real and I—I had to watch him go. He <em> left </em>me, Angelica.” </p>
<p>Alex broke down crying, and Angelica held him in her arms silently. She let him cry it out, stroking his hair back in a comforting gesture. Inside she was devastated, because this was beyond her wildest dreams. John and Alex were invincible, the hallmark of what every couple should be. They <em> loved </em>each other intensely, even all these years later, so how could this happen? How could things get so bad? </p>
<p>“I’ll drop out. I mean it, I’ll drop out of the race.” Alex sobbed. “I can’t do this if it means I lose John, I won’t. I can’t…I can’t <em> lose </em>him, Ang. Nothing means anything without him.”  </p>
<p>“Shhh, I know.” Angelica said, but now she was panicking. Because she knew Alex wasn’t bluffing. He would 100% do that for John, and then they’d all be lost. She had to think of the right thing to say. </p>
<p>“John wouldn’t want that,” she said softly. “He’s behind you all the way, you know that.”</p>
<p>“The only thing I know is that my husband is gone.” Alex responded bitterly. “Everything was fine before this. I just want things to go back to normal.”</p>
<p>“This is all a misunderstanding,” Angelica said firmly. “I’ll talk to him, get him to see reason. Do you know where he went?” </p>
<p>“He went to Laf’s.” Alex slumped back against the couch. “He texted me to tell me that, then blocked my number.”</p>
<p>Yikes. “Yikes.” </p>
<p>Alex sniffled. “In his defense, I was blowing up his phone. He said he needs space for now. From me. He doesn’t want anything to do with me.” </p>
<p>“It’s a misunderstanding.” Angelica emphasized. “I’ll handle it.” </p>
<p>Alex shook his head. “You weren’t there. You didn’t see the way he looked at me, what he said. I don’t know how to fix this.”</p>
<p>Angelica stood up. “Well, if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that John loves you. That will never change. He’ll want to patch things up as much as you do, I promise.” </p>
<p>Alex didn’t say anything, just stared blankly at the wall.</p>
<p>Angelica quickened her pace. She had to get to John as soon as possible. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>John was laying back on Lafayette’s basement couch, existing. He felt like he was floating in a pool of numbing waters, thoughts brushing up on him and slipping away, feeling the time pass even though he was frozen. That was pretty much how he’d been since he showed up at Laf’s place last night. </p>
<p>It was like he used all the emotion stored up inside of him on one, single night. He blew up at Alex with all the anger, sadness, and frustration that had been building for months, <em> years </em>even. And then when he left, when he slammed the door on the love of his life, he bawled his eyes out. He cried so hard, he could barely get out the words to ask Lafayette if he could crash at his place, once he showed up on his doorstep. </p>
<p>Lafayette, the amazing friend he is, whisked him inside and sat him down, wrapped a blanket around him, got him a warm drink, and let him cry it all out. He wrapped an arm around his shoulder and didn’t ask any questions, even though the questions were clear on his face. John saved him the trouble. </p>
<p>“He didn’t cheat on me,” he choked out. “But still, things—things haven’t been right. For a while. He looked at me and I knew I had to go. I couldn’t stay there any longer and I don’t know what to do, Laf. I love him so much but it’s not enough anymore, it’s not…”</p>
<p>John trailed off, breaking down into sobs again. Lafayette held him tighter. </p>
<p>“You don’t have to explain yourself, not to me or anyone.” Lafayette comforted him. “The world has no place in your bed.” </p>
<p>John gave his friend a weak smile. “Thanks. I’m sorry for barging in here like this, I didn’t know where else to go.” </p>
<p>“I’m glad you came here. You can stay as long as you like, <em> ma maison est ta maison, </em>you know that.” Lafayette was going to say something else, but he was distracted by the constant buzzing coming from John’s pocket. </p>
<p>John ripped his phone out and was about to throw it, when Lafayette grabbed his arm. “Whoa, whoa, <em> mon ami, </em>what are you doing?”</p>
<p>John took a deep breath, then tossed his phone to Lafayette. “Tell him where I am. Tell him I need space, then block his number.”</p>
<p>Lafayette hesitated, giving him a look. </p>
<p>“Do it.” John urged him, wiping his face. “I can’t deal with him, not right now. I need some time to breathe.” </p>
<p>Lafayette nodded reluctantly, then did what John asked. </p>
<p>He told John to pick any one of his several guest rooms to stay in, but was too restless to sleep in a bed. He wanted to be back in <em> his </em>room, sleeping on his bed, resting his head on his pillow, surrounded by comfy sheets and Alex’s scent. But he couldn’t do that, and that killed him. He ended up going downstairs and falling asleep on the basement couch, where he laid now, TV blaring in the background and trying to figure out how he ended up here. But his thoughts kept going in circles with no answer to be found. </p>
<p>This was all funny to him, in a cosmic sort of way. It hadn’t escaped John’s notice that this was the second time a presidential election had wrecked his life from inside out. In fact, being by his father’s side during all his Senate campaigns had cemented his belief that he would never get with a politician, or anyone else involved in politics. He lived in that world his whole life and wanted nothing to do with it at all, he was dead certain about that. </p>
<p>But then he met Alex, and every rule he had ever made for himself got ripped up and thrown to the wind. He had never regretted it, being with Alex, and he didn’t regret it now. But a part of him wondered if this was all inevitable, and he had been a fool to think otherwise. </p>
<p>There was commotion coming from upstairs. John heard footsteps and lowered voices, and Lafayette saying, “I really don’t think this is a good idea.” </p>
<p>But footsteps were coming down the stairs anyway, and John could place those high-powered heels anywhere. His stomach sank. </p>
<p>John sat up and saw Angelica making her way over to him, worried look on her face. She sat down on the couch next to him and gave him a big hug. </p>
<p>“John, how are you?” she asked. She did look genuinely concerned, but there was something else to her gaze that was bothering John.</p>
<p>“I’ve been better.” John answered, cautious.</p>
<p>“I just came from your place. I heard what happened. Well, at least what Alex could tell me. He’s a mess right now, I don’t think he’s moved from the couch all night.” Angelica told him.</p>
<p>His heart twisted hearing that. He felt Alex’s pain like his own, but then he saw Alex smiling and hugging him, as if he hadn’t just put John through absolute hell, and his heart turned to stone once again. </p>
<p>“I can’t stand seeing the two of you fighting, especially not over a misunderstanding.” Angelica continued. “That’s all this is, a simple misunderstanding.” </p>
<p>“Really?” John arched an eyebrow. </p>
<p>“Yes.” She put a hand on John’s arm. “John, the reports are wrong. Lies. He didn’t cheat on you, he would <em> never </em>do that. I beat the truth out of him myself, believe me—”</p>
<p>“I know.” </p>
<p>The words took Angelica aback. “You know?” </p>
<p>“I know who Alex is. He wouldn’t do that to me, not like this. Hell, if he <em> had </em>cheated on me, maybe I would’ve gotten an actual phone call.” John said bitterly. </p>
<p>Alex would’ve never let him find something like that out on the news. He would’ve called him, started right off the bat with excuses and the “I love you’s” and begging for forgiveness. And John…John didn’t know what he would’ve done next. If it were true. He didn’t like to think about it. </p>
<p>“Oh. Then what’s the issue?” Angelica said, her tone unintentionally careless. </p>
<p>John raised his eyebrows. “Should I wait for Alex to fuck someone else before the problems I’m having are good enough for you?” </p>
<p>Angelica winced. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. What I’m saying is, give Alex a chance to make it up to you. He’s been a selfish asshole, and he deserves every bit of your anger. He knows that. Let him prove to you that he can do better.” </p>
<p>She put her hands on John’s shoulder. “Alex needs you, John. He can’t do anything without you.”</p>
<p>The words, which Angelica meant to be comforting, set John off. Because he realized what was bothering him about the way she was talking to him. This wasn’t Angelica, one of his closest friends. This was Hamilton Campaign Manager, Angelica Schuyler, trying to deal with a problem before the next event. And John…John was ready to <em> explode.  </em></p>
<p>He swallowed, and said, “What did you tell him, Angelica? Huh? Did you say you’d have this fixed by noon, before lunch? Don’t worry, I’ll handle John, you focus on everything else. Am I getting warm?” </p>
<p>Angelica flinched back, dropping her hands. “What are you saying? I’m here because I’m your friend and I care about you. I can’t stand seeing you and Alex like this.” </p>
<p>“No, Angelica, you didn’t come here as my friend. You haven’t <em> been </em> my friend for a while now.” John said, his voice dripping with venom. “You’re my husband’s campaign manager, and everything you’ve done for months has something to do with that. So don’t come in here and pretend like you give a fucking shit about what happened with me and Alex and why I left, because you don’t. You wanna know what you need to say or what he needs to say to get me back on board, and well, I’m <em> out. </em> Go find someone else to be his trophy husband and stand up on stage with him, because I’m <em> done. </em>I’m done with the campaign and I’m done talking to you. Leave.” </p>
<p>Angelica was stunned into silence. The only word she could get out was, “John.” </p>
<p>John turned away and grabbed the remote, turning up the TV. She opened and closed her mouth, trying to force herself to say something. But his words were like daggers to the chest, and the set of his jawline told Angelica he wouldn’t budge. She had no choice but to stand up. </p>
<p>She turned to walk away, then said her Hail Mary pass. “He said he would drop out.” </p>
<p>John froze. </p>
<p>“He said he couldn’t lose you, and he would drop out of the race if that’s what he had to do.” Angelica said. “That’s what you mean to him. You can think whatever you want about me, but you can’t think for a second that Alex wouldn’t do anything for you. He deserves a second chance.” </p>
<p>“I hope you’re lying.” John responded, his voice tense. “I’m gonna trust that you’re lying, because if he actually said that…if he thinks that all our problems started because he ran for president and they’d all be fixed if he stopped, then I made the right call leaving. You can tell him I said that.” </p>
<p>Angelica walked up the steps without saying another word. </p>
<p>Lafayette came downstairs after her. “You don’t think that was too harsh?”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t harsh enough.” But all the heat had left from his body, replaced with a coldness that left him feeling hollow. “I’m just tired of worrying about how everyone else feels.” </p>
<p>He closed his eyes and sank back into the numbing, emotionless darkness. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Alex stirred from where he was dozing off on the couch from the sound of someone fiddling with the key in the lock. It made Alex jump up from his seat in a rush. He wiped the crust from his eyes, fixed his hair. He was prepared to get down on his knees and beg for John’s forgiveness, take back all the horrible things he said, whatever he had to do to get John back. </p>
<p>But then the door opened, and it was Angelica. Alone. </p>
<p>The disappointment was so devastating that Alex fell back onto the couch, his legs too weak to support him. The bile rose in his throat, and it took him a few seconds before he could speak. </p>
<p>“What did he say?” He steeled himself for the answer. </p>
<p>Angelica cleared her throat. “I think he needs space. Some time apart might do you guys some good, give you the chance to think.” </p>
<p>Alex inhaled and rubbed his face. “That bad?” </p>
<p>Angelica nodded sadly. “He made his feelings pretty clear to me, believe that. I get now why you don’t like fighting with him.”</p>
<p>Alex looked at her and noticed she seemed a little shaken. “Did he give you that look like you’re the worst person in the world, and he’d rather die than talk to you?”</p>
<p>“Actually, yes.” Angelica said, slumping down on the couch next to him. </p>
<p>“It’s John’s speciality.” In a weird way, it made Alex smile. “I always tell him he could knock out Mike Tyson with that look.”</p>
<p>“It sent me running out the room,” Angelica agreed. “I’m never talking to John for you again.” </p>
<p>Angelica opened her mouth to say something else, then closed it. </p>
<p>Alex noticed. “What?” </p>
<p>“There was one thing he wanted me to tell you.” she started, then stopped again.</p>
<p>He sat up with rapt attention. “What? What is it?” </p>
<p>She took a moment to speak again, then said abruptly, “Do you think I’m a good friend?” </p>
<p>“Angelica, what the hell are you talking about?” Alex stared at her, eyebrows furrowed. </p>
<p>Angelica looked back at him, eyes stubborn. “Answer the question. Do you think I’m a good friend?” </p>
<p>He answered without hesitating. “Of course you’re a good friend. I would’ve lost my damn mind already without you. You’re fiercely loyal and willing to do whatever it takes to protect the people you care about. That’s why I wanted you to be my campaign manager. That’s why <em> John </em>wanted you on the campaign, because he wanted someone we could trust.” </p>
<p>Angelica took his words in and nodded. Then she told him, “John said if you think dropping out of the race would solve all of the problems you guys are having, he was right to leave.” </p>
<p>The words hit Alex like a bullet to the chest. </p>
<p>Angelica looked apologetic. “I’m sorry. I’m not sure if a good friend would’ve kept that from you, but a bad campaign manager would. I don’t know if I’m letting the line get too blurred these days.” </p>
<p>“No, you’re fine.” Alex reassured her. “Really. I should’ve never said something like that in the first place. It’s not fair to you or to everyone who’s been working so hard for me or the people I’m running for. And it’s not fair to John, to put that on him after all the sacrifices we’ve made to get this far. It’s a slap in the face to everyone who’s supported me, and I’m sorry. I won’t lose sight of things again.”</p>
<p>The declaration filled Angelica with a sharp sense of relief. “Thank god. I thought I was gonna have to kick your ass.” </p>
<p>“I’m good now.” He gave Angelica a weak smile. “Thanks. For being here.” </p>
<p>Angelica waved him off. “That’s what family is for. Don’t worry, it won’t be long before John comes back. The two of you belong together, he knows that.”</p>
<p>Alex wished he could have her confidence, but the ground underneath his feet felt shakier than ever before. The path back to John never felt so long and unstable as it did at that moment. For now, the only thing he could do was the thing he hated the most. He had to wait. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Once John started rewinding back, he couldn’t stop. It was like picking at a scab, or pulling at a loose thread in a shirt. He went back in his mind, searching and scanning for the moment he could point to and say, <em> yes here’s where I fucked up. </em>The moment where if he’d done things differently, things might be different now. He pulled the thread of his memory, searching for the moment when he lost sight of everything. </p>
<p>It wasn’t like they moved too fast. Well, except for the very beginning. They were falling in love from the moment their eyes met, and by the end of that tumultuous summer, right before college, they were promising <em> forever </em>to each other. It was a feeling too big for their teenage bodies, and John knew it. So after that, they took it slow and steady. They didn’t rush into anything, and though it took John a while, he settled into the comforting lull of their relationship. They continued on like that, and then the bubble burst after they’d been together about five years, Alex in his first year of law school and John working through his Master’s. </p>
<p>He thought Alex was on the same page as him until one night, while they were eating dinner in their shitty college apartment and watching something dumb on TV, Alex said, “Will you marry me?” </p>
<p>“Nah,” John said, and bit into his taco. “Can I have a sip of your Coke?” </p>
<p>The words were so out of nowhere that John hadn’t considered them anything less than a joke. They would sort of mess around like that sometimes, calling each other husband or saying that they were gonna marry the other person over the dumbest things. He didn’t realize that Alex was serious until he reached over to grab Alex’s Coke, and saw the absolutely devastated look on his face. </p>
<p>(It wasn’t out of nowhere for Alex. By the time they graduated, it felt like everyone had been growing up and moving on to the next stage around them. Lafayette got married to his girlfriend, Adrienne, right out of college, Hercules had already moved to Milan, where he was going to mentor under a brand name designer for a couple of years. Angelica was interning at a prestigious law firm and making herself indispensable, and Eliza had sketched out the plans for her orphanage. Hell, even Burr had eloped with his girlfriend, Theo, in the shock of the century, since no one knew her and Burr were together. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, Alex was in law school, working as an unpaid intern in a tiny firm that specialized in immigration law. Him and John still lived in the same place they moved into junior year, and it felt like everything was moving too slow. Marriage was always a vague idea floating around in his head, but it didn’t solidify until Angelica brought it up to him, when they’d gotten lunch earlier that day. </p>
<p>“When are you and John gonna get married?” He didn’t remember how the conversation got to that, just the way everything froze inside of him. “I’ve been on the edge of my seat waiting for the day you call me and say we’re going to Vegas.” </p>
<p>“I think John and I’s love deserves more than a seedy drive thru wedding.” Alex responded. </p>
<p>Angelica rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean. You two are more solid than most of the couples out here getting hitched, so what’s the hold up? What are you waiting for?” </p>
<p>The words echoed in his head and made everything click into place. He looked over at John, staring at his gorgeous profile as he stared at the TV, wrapped up in what they were watching. His hair was down and framing his face, and his eyes were lit up from the glow of the TV. He was devouring his taco, not a care in the world for the crumbs all over his face or the guacamole sticking to the corner of his mouth, and Alex knew that John was <em> it </em>for him. It didn’t matter what else happened to him, as long as John was with him. He wanted to spend the rest of his life watching John’s messy eating and brushing his hair back and tugging his feet into his lap and hearing John’s laugh in his ear. </p>
<p>He wanted to marry John.)</p>
<p>John’s eyes widened. “Wait, were you being serious?” </p>
<p>Alex turned away from him, pulled back. “No, it’s nothing. Forget I said anything.” </p>
<p>“Alex, wait. I didn’t—I thought—” John was stumbling all over his words, feeling like someone had pulled the rug out from under him. </p>
<p>“It’s okay.” Alex stood up, collected their trash. “I was just joking. Obviously. What kind of asshole proposes over Taco Bell?” </p>
<p>But John knew Alex better than that. He could tell from his ramrod straight posture, the stiffness of his shoulders and the way his hand shook as he tossed their wrappers in the garbage that John had hurt him. </p>
<p>John turned to face him. “Alex, please, talk to me.”</p>
<p>Alex came out from the kitchen but wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Just drop it. Please. Pretend I never said anything.” </p>
<p>John didn’t know what to say, and Alex went into their room to get ready for bed. </p>
<p>They were so attuned to each other that it felt like a disturbance in the Force lying next to Alex that night. Alex was a solid presence as his back, arms wrapped around him, but it felt off. Like he was trying too hard to relax and pretend that everything was fine. John couldn’t breathe like that. </p>
<p>He rolled over, and Alex’s eyes were already open. “Alex, I love you. If you’re asking if I want to marry you, I do.” </p>
<p>Alex winced, closing his eyes tight. “Please, stop. I’m already mortified, you don’t need to—” </p>
<p>“I mean it.” He sat up, and Alex sat up with him. “Of course I want to marry you, that’s never been a question for me.” </p>
<p>“I’m sensing a but.” Alex stared at his hands, looking so sad that John wanted to tell him, <em> yes, let’s get married right now </em> and purchase the cheapest tickets to Vegas they could find. Anything to make him understand that it wasn’t the marrying part that was the problem. </p>
<p>“But I want to do it right. When we’re ready, not because everyone else is doing it or because it’s something we can check off our list. I mean, fuck, you’ve still got two years more of school, I’ve got another year, maybe even more if I get my doctorate. We barely have the space to breathe, much less plan a wedding.” </p>
<p>John could tell that his words were reaching Alex. Some of the tension left Alex’s body, and the sad expression in his eyes had begun to let up. John took it one step further and reached over to hold Alex’s hand, intertwining their fingers. </p>
<p>“Let’s get married, Alex. When it’s right.” John raised his hand to his lips and kissed it tenderly. “Either way, I’m with you till the end.” </p>
<p>And Alex rested his head on his shoulder, and they were in tune with each other once again.</p>
<p>When Alex asked him again, four years later, he said yes before Alex could fully get the question out. Because they looked at each other and they both knew this was it, this was the rest of their lives, together.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Alex threw himself into his work. It was scary how easy it was for him to shut off the part of his brain devoted to John and replace it with work, work, work. He was like a machine, moving from event to event with little breaks and even less rest. The stench of the scandal still hung over his campaign, but there was little he could do about that. Maria wouldn’t pick up his phone calls, and any more denials would come off like he had something to hide. All he could do was push forward, and hope that people would believe in him and the vision he had for this country. </p>
<p>And things were going fine. Granted, he hadn’t really slept in a week, and he’d been dodging all of his friends’ calls (Hercules threatened to call the National Guard to bust his door down if he left him on read one more time), but that was no big deal. So what if he smashed a couple dishes on his kitchen floor? It was completely understandable. </p>
<p>He hadn’t even realized what he’d done until he blinked and stared at the shards of porcelain littered around him. He didn’t do it for no reason, it was just…he ran out of leftovers. And there was nothing in the fridge to cook with, since he hadn’t bought any groceries. Actually, it’d been a while since he’d bought groceries or cooked, when he thought about it. John took care of that, and cleaned up the kitchen afterwards too. But now the fridge was empty, and Alex actively avoided going outside any more than he had to like the plague. So he had to order takeout. </p>
<p>He searched high and low for the menu from his favorite Chinese takeout place, the one he and John always ordered from. They must’ve had a million of those menus shoved in random corners of their place, since a new one came with every order. And yet when Alex needed one, just <em> one, </em>so he could call the number on it and place his order, he couldn’t find one anywhere. It was maddening. He was tearing through one of the kitchen drawers filled with loose paper, and then it hit him why he couldn’t find any menus. </p>
<p>They were spring cleaning, a while back. Alex was wiping down the counters and John was clearing out the drawers. He looked up just in time to see John about to throw away the takeout menus.</p>
<p>“Whoa, whoa, hold up.” He grabbed John’s hand as it was poised over the trash can. “We need those.”</p>
<p>“No, we don’t. You order the same thing every time, and I pretty much know the menu inside and out.” John told him. “We can memorize the number, and then that’s one less thing we’re hoarding.” </p>
<p>“John, I barely know <em> your </em>number.” Alex took the menus from his hand and tapped him on the nose with them. “I’m not memorizing the takeout place’s number.”</p>
<p>John rolled his eyes playfully and snatched them back. “Fine, you baby, <em> I’ll </em>memorize it. I’m one who calls anyway.”</p>
<p>Alex waved his hands in surrender. “Alright, fine. More work for you.”</p>
<p>“If it doesn’t spark joy, it’s going in the garbage.” He grabbed a pile of papers and shoved them down the bin. “And for fuck’s sake, learn my number. What if something happens to your phone and you need to call me? Like if you’re kidnapped or something?” </p>
<p>“Like if some strange man throws me in his van?” Alex said. “You’re right. I’ll memorize your number, then I’ll follow that guy who keeps offering to show me his dog. I hope it’s a poodle—hey!” </p>
<p>John grabbed the rag he was using and started whipping him with it. “Be serious!” </p>
<p>“Okay, fine! But he’s offering candy and I have to—ow, hey!” </p>
<p>They laughed and laughed and laughed—and then Alex was smashing plates on the ground one after the other. It occurred to him too late that he could’ve just Googled the place and gotten their number that way. </p>
<p>He was fine. </p>
<p>And then he left his notecards at home, right before an important speech. </p>
<p>It was already a shit day. He’d overslept, and then he thought his best bet was taking the train rather than braving New York traffic, so of course his train was delayed. He was sweating by the time he got in the building and Angelica was up his ass soon as he walked through the door. He was in his dressing room, fixing his hair and stretching out his muscles, when he patted the inside pocket of his blazer for his notecards, the ones with all his prepared remarks, and found it empty. Then he patted all over his body, stomach sinking as the truth settled over him. </p>
<p>“Fuck. No fucking way.” he murmured to himself. “This can’t be happening.” </p>
<p>Angelica came up to him. “What is it?” </p>
<p>“I left my fucking notecards at home.” He dug his hands in his hair. “Fuck!”</p>
<p>Alex hadn’t realized he shouted until he saw the way everyone in the room jumped—Angelica, the aides, everyone. But he was too wound up to care, panic beginning to set it.</p>
<p>“Calm down.” Angelica pulled him to the side, shielding him from everyone’s prying eyes. “You don’t know your speech?” </p>
<p>“No.” he whispered back fiercely. “Not as well as I need to. I was gonna look it over this morning, but then I woke up late and—God, I can’t catch a fucking break, can I?” </p>
<p>Normally, he made it a habit to memorize his speeches. He found it easier to get into what he was saying when he didn’t have to look down at a piece of paper. But he’d been reaching the end of his rope and was on Day 8 of very little sleep, so he planned on memorizing the cards on the fly. And with the stress of this morning and the fact that he was running on fumes, he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to give much of a speech at all. </p>
<p>“It’s alright, Alex.” Angelica sighed, like it was most definitely not alright. “They’re still setting up, and I can delay them if need be. I’ll run over and grab them, just tell me where they are.” </p>
<p>Alex shook his head. “No, I’ll go.” </p>
<p>“It’ll look bad if they come calling for you and you’re not here.” Angelica insisted. “I’ll drive over real fast.” </p>
<p>“But I don’t know exactly where I put it. It’ll take too long for you to go through every place it could be.” Alex shot back. </p>
<p>“We’re wasting time arguing about this.” she said. “Your place isn’t that big, I’m sure I can figure it out.”</p>
<p>“You’re needed here.” Alex pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’ll call John. I know he’s at work, but he’ll know where I—” </p>
<p>His voice cut out. Because he struck him, like a brick to the head, that he couldn’t call John. John wasn’t going to leave his job to pick up some note cards Alex left behind, he wouldn’t even pick up Alex’s phone call. It’d been a week since they’d last spoke, since he walked out the door and left Alex’s heart in pieces behind him, and John hadn’t reached out to him once. John, his John. The only person who made sense of everything when his life felt like a hurricane, was gone. Alex chased him away, just like he pushed everyone out of his life, and now he was <em> gone.  </em></p>
<p>“—lex? Alex!” </p>
<p>Someone was breathing loudly. Was that him? He clutched his chest and found that his heart was pounding hard, so hard he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. His hands were in his hair, his whole body was shaking and he couldn’t <em> breathe. </em>Each breath was a fight, rattling out of his chest, and his knees trembled. For a split second, he thought he might go down. </p>
<p>Alex faintly registered Angelica lowering him down onto a couch, shouting at everyone to get out. </p>
<p>She told a nearby aide, “Find a coordinator and tell them the event’s canceled.” </p>
<p>“But—” </p>
<p>The look in her eyes could cut glass. “Did I stutter? Go find someone and tell them Hamilton’s caught a stomach bug and can’t speak today. If I have to repeat myself again, don’t bother coming back.” </p>
<p>The aide scurried away, and then it was just Angelica and Alex alone. She put a hand on his back and told him to breathe deeply, in and out. </p>
<p>“Inhale, exhale.” she said slowly, rubbing circles into his back. “Easy, Alex. It’s okay. I’m here, you’re okay.” </p>
<p>She breathed with him until his heartbeat slowed and his body relaxed. He felt wrung out like a used dishrag, but tried to put on a brave face. </p>
<p>He flashed her a smile. “I’m good now. Thanks, Angelica.” </p>
<p>Angelica handed him a water bottle. “Just take it easy. Has this been happening often?” </p>
<p>Alex took a sip of water, shook his head emphatically. “No. It’s been a while since I’ve had one of these.”</p>
<p><em> Panic attack </em>was the term he was avoiding using. He used to get them a lot when he was a kid, the worst of it when he had just moved in with the Washingtons. Every day, when his nightmares woke him up, he’d open his eyes and find himself in an unfamiliar place and freak out. Martha must’ve sat with him a hundred times, just putting his head in her lap and breathing with him. And the few times he had them as an adult, John would press their foreheads together and hold his hands. Alex would stare at his face and they’d breathe as one, until he was calm again. </p>
<p>He stopped thinking about John, before he started spiraling again. “Sorry. It’s been a rough day, that’s all.” </p>
<p>“You’re fine.” She put a hand on his shoulder, her eyes boring into him. “But I’m clearing your schedule for the rest of the week.” </p>
<p>Alex’s head snapped up. “What? No, you’re not.” </p>
<p>“Yeah, I am.” Her voice was firm. “You need to take a break, Alex.” </p>
<p>“I’ll do that after the election.” Alex shot back. “Right now, we need bold strokes, a clear message, a physical presence—” </p>
<p>“And we have plenty of people who can do those things for you. We have people canvassing for you, and your running mate can take over speaking duties. You don’t have to take everything on yourself.” </p>
<p>“But the campaign—”</p>
<p>“Will be fine without you for a week.”</p>
<p>“Angelica!” </p>
<p>“Alex, stop.” Angelica’s eyes were blazing. “I’m saying this as your friend, because you’re <em> family, </em> and you will be whether you win or not. You’re not doing okay. John left you and I don’t think you’ve stopped and taken five seconds to really think about that since it happened. I think you have some stupid plan of working yourself to death so you <em> don’t </em>have to think about it, and that’s not gonna fly with me. Overworking yourself to the point of breakdown is exactly what the campaign doesn’t need.”</p>
<p>Alexander got up and put some distance between them, trying not to let the full weight of her words hit him. </p>
<p>“You need to go home, sleep for more than two hours, and think about what you’re gonna do next.” Angelica continued. “Because whatever you’re doing now isn’t working.” </p>
<p>“I promise, I’ll go home now and sleep for the rest of the day. I’ll eat a real dinner even. But I can’t—you can’t—” </p>
<p>“You told me that if I came onto the team, you’d listen to me. Even if it was hard, you’d follow my lead.” Her words cut like knives and stopped him short. “Go home, Alex. That’s an order.” </p>
<p>Alex stared at her. He was this close to begging, the words on the tip of his tongue. He wanted to beg her not to make him go home, where every inch of his apartment was filled to the brim with the memories of when he and John were happy, when they were AlexandJohn. Everything was exactly the same, like if he walked through the door he might see John sleeping on the couch with his mouth hanging open, hair in his face, or he might hear John shout from the kitchen, “Baby girl, how was work?” </p>
<p>Alex opened his mouth, but all he said was, “Fine.” </p>
<p>He went home. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Maybe there was a higher being somewhere up in the sky, because the universe finally decided to cut Alex a break. </p>
<p>A few days later, he was sitting on his couch eating dinner out of the Tupperware Hercules had brought over. Alex let him come over on the condition that Hercules couldn’t ask how he was doing, and Hercules agreed on the condition that Alex couldn’t ask if he’d spoken to John. So mostly they ate together in a companionable silence, but it was nice just to have someone next to him. </p>
<p>Angelica burst into his apartment and snatched the remote from Hercules’ hand. </p>
<p>“Just because I gave you a spare key doesn’t mean knocking isn’t preferable.” Alex said, but Angelica ignored him. </p>
<p>She switched on CNN and said, “Look!” </p>
<p>On the screen was Maria Reynolds, standing at a podium while surrounded by a horde of press. She looked poised and confident, completely calm except for her hands, which were shaking a little. </p>
<p>“I thought it would be better to retreat within myself, and hide away until this controversy had passed.” Maria spoke. “I’ve long lost the taste for the spotlight, and I still think that my life, my family’s life, is no business of yours. Despite what you all think, no one deserves to have their privacy stripped from them without their permission.”</p>
<p>She cleared her throat. “But there are some things more important than self-preservation. The truth is more important. So I’m here to tell you that Alexander Hamilton and I did not engage in any sort of extramarital affair. The only reason we were involved at all was because he was a kind enough person to give shelter to a woman terrified of going back to her husband, because she knew that he was going to hit her like he’d done for most of their marriage.” </p>
<p>Some gasps rung out in the crowd. </p>
<p>“I went to the bar with my husband, and he proceeded to get physical with me. Alexander stepped in, sent my husband away, and offered me a place to stay for the night. He was kind, decent, and urged me to end my marriage for my sake and my children’s sake. It was from his act of compassion that I got the courage to leave my husband, and that I’m standing in front of you right now. And now I want to urge you all to practice compassion too. Before you drag a person’s name through the mud, try to learn the truth. Try to understand where they’ve come from and what they’ve been through. And for the women out there like me, your day in the sun is coming. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, all that matters is one moment of strength. You’ll find it, eventually. Thank you.”</p>
<p>None of them spoke for a moment, absolutely shocked. Alexander was the first to move, excusing himself and running into his bedroom. He pulled out his phone and called Maria, only to get her voicemail again and again. Finally, he decided to just send her a text, simply saying, <em> Thank you.  </em></p>
<p>A few minutes later, Maria sent him a message back: <em> I didn’t do it for you. But thank you. For telling me to stand up.  </em></p>
<p>And despite everything that happened, it made everything Alex had done worth it. No matter how things turned out, at least he was able to help one person. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>John kept pulling the thread. He went through each day in a daze, turning over every detail in the story of him and Alex. He was worried if he pulled too hard, all that would be left was a gaping hole inside him. </p>
<p>Lafayette and Hercules tried to talk to him, Eliza left several voicemails on his phone. But he felt like he was underwater, looking up from the bottom of the ocean to see everyone hovering above him. Their voices were distorted and muted, and he didn’t know how to respond. He just went quiet, put his head down and went through the motions of his life. When his coworkers asked him questions, he responded with one word answers. When Lafayette asked if he was okay, he said yes. </p>
<p>Then, watching Maria speaking on the TV, it filled him with so many emotions at once. He was in awe of her, of the courage it took to stand in front of the media after how voraciously they attacked her character, look them in the eye, and shame them with her honesty and bravery. He felt vindicated, because now everyone would accept the truth he’d known from the start. And then he felt disgusted with himself for that feeling, because this wasn’t about him. What she did took guts, and she should be celebrated for that. But at the same time, he felt so relieved. No more would he have to endure the looks of pity and the sympathetic voices his coworkers used with him while they were working, as they gossiped in the break room about his marriage. Finally, the nation could move on. </p>
<p>But most of all, listening to her speech made him think about marriage. The weight of it, what it defines. Why people married at all, when the pressure of it was enough to crush a person flat. Why did marriage mean so much? </p>
<p>He remembered when he and Alex had just got back from their honeymoon, and had to go back to work. John usually got home from work before him, but sometimes Alex finished up first and got off at the station right in front of the aquarium, so they could go home together. He heard Alex coming to his office from a mile away, because as he walked through the hall there was a chorus of voices saying: </p>
<p>“Hi, John’s husband.”</p>
<p>“Oh, look, it’s John’s husband!” </p>
<p>“Good to see you, Alex, your <em> husband </em>is in his office.” </p>
<p>“Holy shit, it’s John’s husband!” </p>
<p>John’s face was bright red by the time Alex’s face popped around the door, and Sally, his assistant, said, “I’ll leave you and your <em> husband </em>alone. See you tomorrow.” </p>
<p>Alex leaned forward, hands on John’s desk, and said, “You’ve been saying it a lot too?” </p>
<p>John focused on shuffling his papers, unable to meet Alex’s eyes. “I mean, just a little.” Then John looked up at him, registering what he said. “Wait, you too?” </p>
<p>Alex smiled wide, his eyes shining. “Don’t be surprised if everyone is calling you Mr. Husband the next time you stop by the mayor’s office.” </p>
<p>John grinned back at him, and stood up to kiss him. “I love you.”</p>
<p>“You better.” Alex kissed him again. “I’m your husband now.” </p>
<p>Alex held his hand once they got off at the station near their apartment, taking a slow pace as they walked the short distance over their place. John swung their hands back and forth, like they were kids, and it made Alex laugh. </p>
<p>“I don’t know why it feels so different.” Alex said. “Being married. Like, we’ve been together for a while and it’s not like anything really changed. We didn’t even move! But calling you my husband, it feels…I don’t know. Different.” </p>
<p>John thought about it. “I don’t know. I guess it’s nice to have a word that shows how we feel about each other. ‘Boyfriend’ hasn’t felt right to me for a while. I want everyone who meets me to know that I’ve got someone in my life that I want to keep forever. A word that says you’re mine and I’m yours, that’s what it means to me.” </p>
<p>Alex smiled and brushed his thumb over the back of his palm, like he’d done so many times before. “It feels right. Like everything’s snapped into place.”</p>
<p>There were so many words left behind the two of them, but they didn’t say anything else. Because that was what being married meant to John. You found someone who heard the words whispering in your heart, and they whispered back. They didn’t need to speak, because they could look at each other and hear the other person loud and clear.  </p>
<p>But that didn’t exactly answer his question. </p>
<p>He walked upstairs from the basement, the smell of spaghetti wafting in the air. John’s stomach churned. He loved Lafayette, but cooking was not one of his specialties. He had more of an iron stomach than John, and he refused to let John cook in his “hour of need”, which meant John was going to have to eat his signature dish: spaghetti that was both too mushy and crunchy, and also flavorless. Thankfully he drowned the noodles in enough marinara sauce to make it edible, but it still made for a pretty rough dinner. But Lafayette loved cooking, and no one has had the heart yet to tell him he sucked at it, so he resigned himself to his fate. As he neared the kitchen, contemplating asking if they could just order a pizza, he heard Lafayette speaking to someone on the phone. </p>
<p>“As well as he could be doing, you know how it is. I’m making him dinner right now.” Lafayette was speaking lowly, and John could hear the sounds of him stirring the pot. “Spaghetti. What was that reaction? Everyone loves my spaghetti! But anyway, how is he?” </p>
<p>John’s heartbeat raced. He froze right outside the doorway to the kitchen, listening in. </p>
<p>“What? Jesus. Thank god for Angelica, she’s the only one who could actually get him to take a week off. If I know him, I bet he hasn’t been sleeping or eating well. Still, it’s been a while since he’s had—<em>merde!”  </em></p>
<p>Lafayette had rounded the corner and to the doorway where John was standing. He jumped when he saw the other man, not expecting him to be standing there.</p>
<p>“John, I didn’t hear you come up,” he said, clutching his chest. “You can sit down in the family room, I’ll bring the plates over in a second.</p>
<p>John went over to the family room couch, while Lafayette said quietly into his phone, “I have to go, John’s up. <em> Je t’aime. </em>Bye.” </p>
<p>John waited until they were both settled in the family room and even took a few bites of spaghetti before he said, “Who was that?” </p>
<p>Lafayette took his time answering, slowly chewing his food. “Hercules. We try to call each other most nights.” </p>
<p>“Sorry, am I totally cramping your style?” John asked, trying to ease the tension in the room. </p>
<p>He felt a little bad. After all the miscommunications and bad timing and failed marriages to other people, Lafayette and Hercules were finally taking a shot at a real relationship, and crashing at Lafayette’s place must’ve made it hard for the couple to do much of anything. </p>
<p>Lafayette grinned. “You’re fine, <em> mon ami. </em>It’s a busy period for Herc right now, phone calls and lunch are the best we can do. Especially since he has to make time to—” </p>
<p>Lafayette cut himself off, and John knew what he was going to say. He had to make time to check on Alex. </p>
<p>“How is he?” John murmured, and they both knew he wasn’t asking about Hercules. </p>
<p>“He’s fine.” Lafayette said cautiously. “Nothing too serious to worry about.”</p>
<p>“But there is something to worry about?” he probed deeper. </p>
<p>“John…”</p>
<p>“What? I’m allowed to ask what’s going on with him. He’s still my husband.”</p>
<p>Lafayette sighed. “Yes, and if anything serious happened, you’d know. But I didn’t sign up to be a carrier pigeon. Believe me, I’m on your side and I understand why you left, but if you want to know what’s going on with Alex, <em> you </em>should call him.”</p>
<p>John’s mouth set in a thin, straight line. “You know I can’t do that.”</p>
<p>“Why not? Even just to ask him if he’s okay?”</p>
<p>“Because it won’t stop with that.” John snapped.  “If I talk to him…I’ll break. I’ll end up comforting him and smoothing things over, even though I’m the one who got hurt. We’ll fall back into the same pattern we’ve been repeating over and over again, and I can’t do that. I don’t think I have it in me, to shove my feelings under the rug and pretend everything is okay one more time. I can’t.” </p>
<p>John stood up with his plate. “My sister told me to fight for my marriage, and that’s what I’m gonna do. Even if that means we have to be apart from each other for a little bit. I don’t expect you to understand.” </p>
<p>Lafayette followed him into the kitchen, blocking him when he tried to walk around him. “Forgive me, John. I didn’t mean to upset you.” </p>
<p>John rolled his eyes. “Dude, I’m not a baby. I’m not about to break down or anything, so you can stop treating me with kid gloves. That’s what’s bothering me the most right now.” </p>
<p>“Alright, I’m sorry.” Lafayette clasped his hand together in apology. “No more kid gloves.” </p>
<p>“Thanks.” He walked over to his bedroom, then stopped. “He’s okay?”</p>
<p>“He can’t even get close to ‘okay’ without you,” Lafayette said honestly. “But if something happened, you’d be the first to know.” </p>
<p>John swallowed down the emotion that welled up in his throat. “Okay.” </p>
<p><em> I’m doing the right thing, </em>he told himself. They needed space to find their way back to each other, but they would. They had to. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He dreamed of their wedding. </p>
<p>Well, actually, he dreamed of everything around the wedding. You’d expect him to have every moment leading up to and at the wedding locked and pressed in every corner of his mind, miniscule details and all. But really, it all came to him in flashes. He hardly remembered the proposal—Alex took him to the park where they first met? Or maybe the aquarium where they had their first date? Or they were simply taking a walk, and Alex surprised him? The only thing that stuck with him was that he said yes before Alex could get down on one knee, and then Alex laughed and told him to be quiet, because he spent a week his proposal speech and he’d be damned if he didn’t get to say everything. John hit him but still cried at the end of the speech anyway. </p>
<p>For some weird reason, he had a clearer picture of telling their friends better than anything. Everyone had congregated at their favorite bar, more hyped than usual since Peggy was visiting from Baltimore, where she moved to for work. Alex and John walked in, hand and hand, and went straight to the largest table in the back, where their friends were getting rowdier by the second. They stood in front of everyone, smiling so wide that their faces almost snapped in half. </p>
<p>“Guys, I asked John to marry me.” Alex was shining so bright, John could barely look at him. “We’re engaged.” </p>
<p>No one said anything, their faces totally blank. </p>
<p>“Nice.” Hercules spoke up, and everyone went back to their conversations like Alex hadn’t said anything at all. </p>
<p>John let them go on like that for a couple of seconds before he said, “Guys!” </p>
<p>The facade broke, their friends rushed over to hug and congratulate them. </p>
<p>“Finally!” Peggy said. “I was starting to think you guys were gonna be one of those hipster couples that never got married.”</p>
<p>“I mean, marriage is a tool that the government uses to exert control over us, but hey.” Alex shrugged his shoulders. “I like tax breaks. And calling John my husband is a pretty big perk.” </p>
<p>John flushed at the word. </p>
<p>“As your best men, Herc and I are going to make sure you have the best wedding ever.” Lafayette pledged. </p>
<p>“Actually, Martha’s going to my best man. Or woman, I guess.” he corrected. “She made me promise her when we were kids, so y’all are gonna have to fight over who’s gonna be Alex’s best man.” </p>
<p>Lafayette’s and Hercules’ eyes glinted, and the battle was <em> on. </em>While they argued over who would be the better best man, Eliza came over and gave him the longest hug. </p>
<p>“Be true,” she whispered in his ear, and his heart swelled. </p>
<p>“I will.” They smiled at each other, luminous. </p>
<p>“Lafayette should be the best man because he’ll throw a bomb bachelor’s party,” Peggy hiccuped. “But Hercules should be the flower girl, because that would be the funniest shit I’ve seen in a long time.” </p>
<p>John and Eliza looked at each other and laughed along with everyone else. Hercules said, “Fuck all of y’all, I would <em> kill </em> at flower girl.”</p>
<p>“Do I get a choice in my best man?” Alex said. </p>
<p>“No.” Everyone said in unison. </p>
<p>They arguing stretched on for a while as everyone got progressively drunker, and then Angelica told the both of them to shut the fuck up so they could properly toast to the occasion. They ordered a bottle of champagne, and Angelica had each of them raise a glass. </p>
<p>“A toast to grooms!” </p>
<p>“To the grooms!” </p>
<p>“To the union! And the hope that you’re gonna provide a good ass menu at the reception, ‘cuz I’m not buying a new dress to eat dry food.” </p>
<p>“Amen!” Peggy waved her hands like they were at church. </p>
<p>Angelica laughed but then her voice became a little more sincere. “May you always be satisfied!” </p>
<p>The group cheered and clinked their glasses together. Alex put his arm around John and smiled at him. He didn’t say a word, just smiled at him, and John knew it was because there were no words to describe this feeling of pure happiness. He felt the same way. </p>
<p>And then there was planning, <em> so </em>much planning. At that point, Alex was working at the State House so even wedding invitations were strategic and political. And there were so many details to decide and parse over and it didn’t take long for them to get wedding fatigued. </p>
<p>“Fuck, let’s just go to the courthouse and get it done,” Alex said when they were laying in bed one night, knocked out from spending the day doing their seating chart. “Then we can just host a rager here and let that be the celebration. It’ll be great.”</p>
<p>“Martha would kill us,” John groaned. “My Martha <em> and </em>your Martha.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I know.” Alex slumped back against the bed. “We could always elope?” </p>
<p>John smacked him with a pillow and told him to go to sleep. </p>
<p>It was the day before the wedding that he lingered on, more accurately the night before the wedding. </p>
<p>The Schuylers offered up their mansion as a venue, since they had a beautiful, spacious backyard with an outdoor garden and everything, and inside they had a ballroom perfect for the reception. John and Alex had planned to sleep over the day before the wedding for convenience’s sake, but Angelica put a stop to that. </p>
<p>“John can sleep here, but you’re sleeping over at Laf’s place.” she said. “Isn’t it a tradition for the happy couple to spend the night apart?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, a dumb tradition.” Alex grumbled. “We’re about to tie ourselves to each other forever, why would we want to spend the night apart?” </p>
<p>“I don’t know, it’s not a bad idea.” John shrugged. </p>
<p>Alex stared at him, betrayed. “Baby, you don’t want to sleep with me?” </p>
<p>John rolled his eyes and pecked him on the lips. “I’ll always want to sleep with you.” </p>
<p>Angelica gagged. “Gross.” </p>
<p>They ignored her. “But it would be the last time we’d ever sleep alone. I think it’ll give us something to think about. Plus, I want you to miss me a little before you get used to seeing me every day.” </p>
<p>Alex was still skeptical, but agreed to it nonetheless. John talked a big game, but as soon as night fell and he was laying in bed, he was kicking himself for sending Alex away. He couldn’t sleep. It hadn’t occurred to him that it had been a while since he’d gone to sleep without Alex’s solid presence at his back, the sound of his breaths brushing against his ears. John turned on his side and imagined that Alex was here, that he could reach back and pull Alex’s arm tighter around him. He flopped onto his back. It was no use, he couldn’t fall asleep. </p>
<p>He wondered if it was nerves, but he knew that wasn’t it. He wasn’t nervous, not even a little bit. Of the entire list of things that had happened in John’s life, getting married to Alex was one of the few things that made complete sense. Alex was a part of him, half of his soul. He was a beginning and ending wrapped into one, and John had no desire to run from him. If anything, he wished that time would pass by faster, so that he could already be outside and standing in front of Alex. He loved his friends and his family, but he couldn’t wait to be alone with Alex and headed off to Barcelona for their honeymoon, just the two of them. </p>
<p>He tried reading, playing games on his phones, counting sheep. Eventually he decided to reread his vows. He had them memorized, of course, but he wanted to make sure he didn’t leave anything out. Of course, going over the words he wrote only made him miss Alex intensely, like a phantom limb. He was this close to calling an Uber and breaking into Lafayette's house. </p>
<p>His phone vibrated, making him jump ten feet in the air. He picked it up to see who was calling, and laughed to himself when he saw who it was. </p>
<p>“Can’t sleep?” he said, instead of hello. </p>
<p>“Of course I can’t,” Alex said, and John could hear him rustling in bed. “I don’t have your snoring to rock me to sleep.” </p>
<p>“I don’t snore.”</p>
<p>“He said to the guy who’s been sleeping next to him for nine years.” </p>
<p>“Alright, goodnight.” </p>
<p>“What—John!”</p>
<p>John laughed at how panicked he sounded. “I’m here, I’m here, chill.”</p>
<p>“You’re so mean to me.” John could hear him pouting over the phone, and he laughed again. </p>
<p>“What’s keeping you up?” John asked, settling back into bed. </p>
<p>“I mean, I <em> am </em>getting married tomorrow.” Alex replied. “That’s the sort of thing that would keep a person awake. To be honest, I’d feel some type of way if you were sleeping like a baby right now.” </p>
<p>“What, are you nervous?” John tried to make it sound like a joke, but his voice trembled a little. He knew he wasn’t having second thoughts, but what about Alex? </p>
<p>“Nervous? That’s…not the word I’d use.” Alex said, oblivious to the fact that John was holding his breath with his every word. “More like impatient. I just want everything to be over with already so I can have you to myself.” </p>
<p>John’s heart warmed and he let out a sigh of relief. “Me too. I kinda regret agreeing to this whole sleep apart thing.” </p>
<p>“See, I told you!” Alex groaned. “And it’s gonna be so long until we see each other tomorrow too. I don’t care what anyone says, I’m sneaking into your room in the morning.” </p>
<p>“You can’t, it’s bad luck for the grooms to see each other right before the wedding.” </p>
<p>“Those are straight people rules, they don’t apply to us.” </p>
<p>“I’m not tempting fate.”</p>
<p>“John, come on!” Alex exclaimed, then sighed. “Fine, let’s fall asleep together. Like this. Since we’re both gonna be up for a while anyway.” </p>
<p>John was already reached for his phone charger. “Alright. But you better not tell anyone, or they’ll never stop making fun of us.”</p>
<p>“True. I can hear Lafayette calling us clingy again.” </p>
<p>John laid down on his side, his phone next to him on his pillow. “So what were you doing? Before you called.” </p>
<p>“Nothing, really. I was on Twitter, then organizing my post-honeymoon schedule, then just staring up at the ceiling. You?” </p>
<p>“I was reading over my vows. You know, just to make sure I really had it down.” </p>
<p>“Oh my god!” Alex gasped, and John heard more rustling. “That’s what I can do. I’m gonna rewrite my vows!” </p>
<p>John sighed, rubbing his temple. “What are you talking about? The wedding’s in less than 24 hours.”</p>
<p>“I’m up anyway, I may as well do something useful.” There was the sound of shuffling papers. “This’ll be my last one, though.” </p>
<p>“What draft are we on now?” </p>
<p>“Well, counting this one, this would be my 20th—” </p>
<p>The rest of his words were drowned out by John’s incredulous laughter. “Baby, this is why everyone is taking bets on how long your vows are gonna take.”</p>
<p>Oh yeah, that was one reason John had to be nervous. He had to give his vows first, because everyone knew that Alex was gonna write a novel for his. Their friends had been teasing him mercilessly about it, but it only made John feel warm all over. He had someone who had so much to say about him and how much he loved him, he couldn’t contain it all. How many people could say that? But he was worried that his own words would pale in comparison to Alex’s, even though he was just as passionate about his feelings for Alex.</p>
<p>“I’ve decided what I’m gonna say for the most part. It’s just hard, because every time I think I’ve got it down, I come up with a better way to say what I was gonna say. Or there’s something I left out that I wanted to put in. Or something feels missing.” Alex exhaled in frustration. “I don’t know. Despite what everyone thinks, I know I talk too much. I’m trying to condense it, but there’s already not enough words to describe how I feel about you. It just sucks the things I have to leave out between each draft.” </p>
<p>“How about this?” John offered. “Every anniversary, you can read me one of your drafts. That way, none of your words will go to waste. They’re meant for me anyway.”</p>
<p>“Oh, I like that. And when we get to the last one—this one, that I’m writing now—we’ll renew our vows.” </p>
<p>John flushed. “We haven’t even gotten married yet, and you’re already talking about renewing vows?</p>
<p>“By then, we’ll have been married for twenty years. That’d be a good time for it, don’t you think?”</p>
<p>“Twenty years…” It was a big number for John to wrap his head around. “That’s so far from now. I can’t even imagine what our lives will be like by then.”</p>
<p>“I can.” Alex cleared his throat. “We’ll be living in the governor’s mansion, eating caviar every night and making love on 100% Egyptian cotton sheets.” </p>
<p>“Ha, very funny.”</p>
<p>“Twenty years, huh?” Alex’s voice got soft, more contemplative. “You’re right, it’s so far down the road. We’ll be almost 50.” </p>
<p>“Ugh.” </p>
<p>“I imagine we’ll have a house. It doesn’t have to be huge, but it’ll be in a nice neighborhood. One where everyone knows their neighbors’ names, you know? No way I’m raising our kids in the city, not with all the shit that goes down here.” </p>
<p>“Y—Yeah?” His breath hitched at how easily Alex said <em> our kids. </em>“Keep going.”</p>
<p>“I’ll be doing…something. Hopefully making a difference. Your research will have been picked up by some fancy journals, and you’ll be so hot that Columbia or NYU will be begging you to be the head of their biology department. Your courses will be packed to the brim, because who wouldn’t want to take hot Dr. Laurens’ class?”</p>
<p>“Oh my god, stop.”</p>
<p>“And by that point, our kids will be going through puberty at least, so that’s gonna be stressful. Our careers will keep us busy, our family will keep us on our toes.” </p>
<p>“But we’ll have each other,” John picked up where he left off.  “When we have a bad day, we can hold each other. We can celebrate every good thing that happens to us together. Our kids will never have to hide themselves away, because they’ll have parents who’ll love them no matter what and <em> mean </em>it when they say that.”  </p>
<p>“Yeah.” </p>
<p>“…” </p>
<p>“…” </p>
<p>“John?” </p>
<p>“Yeah?” He said the word through a yawn, starting to slip away. </p>
<p>“I love you.” </p>
<p>He chuckled. “I sure hope so. Otherwise we just wasted a shit ton of money.”</p>
<p>“No, I mean…I love you. Like, more than anyone has ever loved anyone else. More than Romeo and Juliet, or the Obamas, or hell, Beyonce and Jay-Z.” </p>
<p>“Maybe not the best example.” </p>
<p>“Oh, right. Fucking Jay-Z.” Alexander had a moment of silence, probably thinking about Lemonade. “What I mean is, no one’s ever loved a person like I love you. There are still some days where I can’t believe we found each other. I spent so long thinking that I wasn’t meant to be happy. But meeting George and Martha, and our friends, and <em> you… </em>it hit me that I’m not the same person who didn’t think there was more to life than death and destruction. You make me want to believe in only the good things in life. You taught me how to let myself be happy, and in return I’ll never let you feel so alone again. You’ve got me for as long as you want me.” </p>
<p>John sniffled. “Is that a taste of what you’re gonna say tomorrow? Because you might want to dial it down. You know I’m an ugly crier.”</p>
<p>“This is just for you,” Alex answered. “No one else. I only want you to hear this.” </p>
<p>“I love you too, Alex. More than Han and Leia.” </p>
<p>“Ugh, of course your ass had to bring up Star Wars.” Alex groaned. “You’re such a nerd.” </p>
<p>“Yeah, but I’m yours.” </p>
<p>Before John sank into sleep, he heard Alex say, “Yeah. Till the world turns upside down.” </p>
<p>He wished he hadn’t fallen asleep first. He should’ve stayed up till the sun rose and counted each of Alex’s breaths, treasured each and every one of his words. <em> I’ll never let you feel alone again. </em> He lied. John wanted to jump into that scene and tell himself that that was a lie. Instead of the loneliness he was used to, it was a whole new feeling. He <em> ached </em>now, because he had gotten so used to what it felt like to be warm and secure. The hole opening up inside of him gnawed at him, demanding to be felt. And he couldn’t put on a front like everything was fine like he could before. It was impossible. </p>
<p>His head was pounding from the stress, from the strength of how much he <em> missed </em> Alex. It was like someone hammering against his skull— <em> boom, boom, boom— </em>with the weight of how much he longed to hear Alex’s voice and see his face. But he couldn’t, he didn’t think he had the strength to—wait. The pounding wasn’t in his head. It wasn’t pounding, it was knocking, loud and incessant. His eyes flew open. </p>
<p>Someone was at the door. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Alex thought of it like this: Maria thanked him for telling her to stand up, right? Because that’s what he did. When something was wrong, he stood up. When he wanted something, he stood up. So what the hell was he doing not standing up for his marriage?</p>
<p>He was out of bed and grabbing his car keys before he could even think about it. He didn’t know what he’d say to John when he saw him, he just—he <em> had </em> to see John. They’d been apart for too long, what felt like years, and it was driving Alex out of his mind. They should be together, and he <em> knew </em>John felt the same way. John left because he loved him, not because he was done with him. </p>
<p>At the very least, he’d tell John that he would do whatever he had to to never feel the way he felt watching John walk out the door again. He was prepared to listen. To change. But they couldn’t do any of that if they were separated. No, he wouldn’t leave until John came home with him.</p>
<p>So there he was, banging on Lafayette’s front door. His heart was racing, the adrenaline spiking. His mind had cleared out except for the thought of<em> John, John, John.  </em></p>
<p>Finally, the door was ripped open. “What the f—Alex? What are you doing here?” Lafayette looked at him as if he were a ghost. </p>
<p>“I need to speak with John.” he said, calm and collected. </p>
<p>“It’s the middle of the night. And you’re wearing two different slippers.” Lafayette said bluntly. “You need to go home.” </p>
<p>Alex looked down and saw that he was wearing a different shoe on each foot, but forged on ahead. “I’m sorry for waking you up, but I have to see John. Please.” </p>
<p>Lafayette closed his eyes. “Please don’t make me do this. I have never wanted to get in the middle of two.”  </p>
<p>“Then don’t.” Alex said. “Let me talk to him. I’ll stay out here all night if I have to.”</p>
<p>“But he doesn’t want to talk to you.” The words were like a punch in the stomach. “When he does, I will welcome you with open arms. But for right now, you should go home and wait for him to contact you.”</p>
<p>“Can’t do that, Laf.” Alex crossed his arms. “I’m not leaving until I see him.” </p>
<p>“It’s not about you, Alexander.” Lafayette’s tone moved from patient to harsh. “Do you still not get that? Not everything is about what <em> you </em>want.” </p>
<p>Alex’s jaw clenched. “You’re right, it’s not about me. It’s about me and John, the only one I have to explain myself to. This doesn’t have anything to do with you, Laf, so let me—” </p>
<p>“This <em> doesn’t have anything to do with me?” </em>Lafayette just barely kept himself from shouting. “It became my business the moment your husband showed up at my door, crying so hard he could hardly speak, telling me that his love wasn’t good enough for you anymore.” </p>
<p>Alex flinched so hard his teeth clicked. John said that? Is that what he really believed? </p>
<p>“I’ve had to watch one of my best friends go through each day like a corpse. He says very little to me, and he doesn’t talked to anyone else. He doesn’t do anything either than go to work and go to his room. Even eating dinner together is a small victory. You did that, Alex. He’s like this because of you.” </p>
<p>“You don’t think I know that?” Alex hissed. “You think I don’t feel like dogshit every day for how bad I fucked everything up? That’s why I’m here, to <em> fix </em>things—” </p>
<p>“Fix what?” </p>
<p>Alex and Lafayette jumped. The voice had come from deeper inside the house. </p>
<p>Lafayette turned his head. “No, you don’t have to—”</p>
<p>“Laf, it’s okay.” And then John came into view, standing in the doorway. </p>
<p>Alexander was struck silent. It was John, but he looked different. There were dark circles under his eyes, his hair hung limply around his shoulders. He looked drained, exhausted. But he was also the same person that Alex had stared at for eighteen years, in complete awe of how he ever got a guy like that to look twice at him. John. </p>
<p>“John.” he said out loud, stupidly. </p>
<p>John looked at him, his expression giving nothing away. He said to Lafayette, “I’m good. You can go back to bed.” </p>
<p>Lafayette hesitated, but went back inside. </p>
<p>John led them away from the door, a little further down the walkway. He turned to face Alex and said, “Well? Fix what? Do you even know what’s wrong?” </p>
<p>Alex didn’t want to talk. He wanted to fling himself into John’s arms and press every inch of his body to John’s, hold on tight to him and never let go. But that was he wanted, not John. John wanted answers. So he forced his mouth to move.</p>
<p>“I know I fucked up. I’ve only been thinking about myself, instead of listening to you. I—I haven’t been there for you, given you what you need. I’ve been a terrible husband.”</p>
<p>John nodded, but didn’t say anything else. </p>
<p>“But that stops now.” Alex promised. “John, the moment you left, I realized how messed up I’ve been about everything. I’ve been pushing you to the side, and I’m sorry. I’m ready to listen now. Seriously, you can tape my mouth shut if you want. Let’s go home and work all of this out. I mean, fuck, isn’t this miserable?" He flung his arms out to the side. "I feel miserable without you.”</p>
<p>John’s eyes glinted. “You feel like shit? Me too. That’s how I’ve been feeling for months. I’ve <em> been </em> without you for months now, Alex. I’ve had to get used to it, because nothing changes with you no matter how many times you apologize. The only reason you’ve noticed now is because <em> you’re </em>miserable.”</p>
<p>Alex took that. “Yeah, I’ve been a piece of shit. But that’s over now, okay? I’m ready to stop being an asshole and start being your husband again. I wanna be your Alex. I’ll do whatever it takes.” </p>
<p>John sucked in a sharp breath and turned away for a second, trying to control his emotions. Then he said, “You’ll do anything? Then give me space.” </p>
<p>He would’ve rather John punched him across the face then say that. </p>
<p>“You don’t mean that.” he said softly. </p>
<p>“You don’t understand how I feel or why things got this bad.” John said. “I’m still trying to figure it out too. But until we do, there’s nothing stopping this from happening again like it’s been happening. And I…can’t go through this again. I can’t.” </p>
<p>“Why can’t we figure this out together?” Alex was near begging at this point. “I don’t understand why we have to be apart.” </p>
<p>“Because being together isn’t working.” John said, hushed. “I think we’re too close to see the big picture. Time apart will give us the chance to take a step back and think about things.”</p>
<p>Alex shook his head fiercely. “I disagree.”</p>
<p>“Alex—”</p>
<p>“If I’m not understanding how you feel, explain it to me.”</p>
<p>“I’ve tried.” </p>
<p>“Then try again. I’m here now, I’m ready to do better—” </p>
<p>“You’re already not listening to me.”</p>
<p>“Because—you can’t expect me to—” </p>
<p>“Alex, what have you been doing since I left?” John asked abruptly.</p>
<p>“What?” The question didn’t even register to him. </p>
<p>“I can tell you what I’ve been doing. I’ve been going back and thinking about everything—about <em> us—</em>and trying to find where things went wrong. What I can do better. Where I messed up.”</p>
<p>Alex rubbed his face, bone tired at this point. “This isn’t your fault, John. It’s mine, all mine.” </p>
<p>John shook his head. “That’s not how marriage works. We’re a team. We used to be a team, and there’s a reason we stopped. All I want to do is find my way back to you. Even if it takes time. Even if it hurts.” </p>
<p>Somehow, they had drifted closer to each other. When John reached out and dragged him into a tight embrace, Alex let out a shuddery breath. He buried his face in John’s shoulder and breathed in the earthy, strong musk of him. He felt like he was on the edge of a precipice, this close to falling over the edge. </p>
<p>John rocked them from side to side a little, running his hands through Alex’s hair. He whispered in his ear, “Let’s figure it out, Alex. Go back to the beginning and figure it out.” </p>
<p>They stood there holding each other for what felt like a long time. Alex had his arms locked around John’s body, and John traced circles on his back, Alex shivering from the tender gesture. But then John’s grip around him began to loosen. </p>
<p>John kissed his temple, just held his lips there for a moment, and said, “I have to go.” </p>
<p>He let go of Alex and walked past him, up the walkway. He barely got a few inches away before Alex turned and held onto his wrist with a taut, shaking grasp. </p>
<p>“Alex.” John didn’t turn back, couldn’t look at him. </p>
<p>“Don’t go.” The tears were streaming down Alex’s face now. “Please. Don’t leave me.” </p>
<p>John turned and looked at him, and he almost broke. It would be so easy for him to say, <em> okay, let’s continue this discussion at home, </em>but they’d both know he wouldn’t leave the next day. Because being home, surrounded by the familiar air of their apartment, hearing Alex’s soft words and feeling his gentle kisses, John would go pliant. He’d soften under the weight of Alex’s care and go to bed, wrap his arms around him and pretend that none of this ever happened. He wanted to do it. He never wanted to let Alex go. </p>
<p>But he remembered staring up at the South Carolina sun blazing down on him, listening to the sounds of the ducks floating on the water, the ducklings following after their mother in blind faith. Waiting for Alex or God or someone to tell him that he wasn’t wrong. That he hadn’t made the same mistake twice, believing in someone with his whole heart once again.</p>
<p>But no one came for him. Not Alex. Not anyone. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” John gasped, and ripped himself away. The last thing Alex heard was the beginnings of a sob escape from John’s mouth before the door shut behind him and he was gone, once again. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lafayette watched the whole thing go down from the window. He knew he should’ve gone to bed, but…these were two of his best friends in the whole world. He couldn’t help watching over them. </p>
<p>Lafayette couldn’t hear what they were saying. He could only guess at the progression of their conversation from the tension in John’s shoulders and the contortion of Alex’s face as he grew more and more desperate. And then they were holding each other, and Lafayette marveled, like he had since he’d met John, and at how perfectly they <em> fit </em>together. Lafayette’s image of Alex was that of a pitbull, a little lion. Someone with their guard up who projected strength, stubbornness, an unstoppable force. But in front of John, he was naked and vulnerable in a way that he never showed to anyone else. Lafayette was surprised by the tears that sprung to the corner of his eyes, watching the two of them. </p>
<p>Then John was slamming into the house, the sounds of his sobs echoing down the hallway. Lafayette looked back outside at Alex, who stood there with his shoulders hunched, his face buried in his hands. Glancing between the direction John went down and out the window where Alex was, Lafayette went to the one who needed him the most at the moment. </p>
<p>“Alex.” He approached him slowly, keeping his voice low. “Give me your keys. I'll drive you home.” </p>
<p>Alex didn’t move. Lafayette wasn’t sure he had acknowledged his presence yet. He stood there, still as a statue, hands covering his face completely. </p>
<p>Lafayette put a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Alex, come on. Let me take you home.” </p>
<p>He thought for a half second that Alex might swing at him or at least smack his hands away. But Alex simply reached into his pocket and handed Lafayette the keys, then shuffled over to the car. </p>
<p>The car ride was silent. Lafayette didn’t even turn on the radio, just let them speed down the roads with only the sound of the New York City streets for comfort. Alex deserved to have the space to breathe and process everything that had just happened, so he kept his eyes on the road and didn’t push. </p>
<p>“He doesn’t love me anymore.” Alex said, so quietly that Lafayette almost thought he’d imagined it. </p>
<p>He gripped the steering wheel tighter. “We both know that’s not true.”</p>
<p>“Watch. I’ll give him space, and he’ll realize he’s been wasting his time on me.” Alex rested his head against the window. “He could do a hundred times better than someone useless like me. He’ll realize that, and then he’ll leave me. The only thing I’m good at is getting people to leave.” </p>
<p>“John’s right, you don’t listen.” Lafayette sighed. “Do you really think he’s doing this because he hates you? He held you like that because he’s done with you?” </p>
<p>Alex didn’t respond. </p>
<p>Lafayette exhaled in frustration. <em> “Mon dieu, </em>you are the stupidest smart person to ever exist. John’s waiting for you to be the man he fell in love with. The man we all love. John’s not the only one who’s been missing you these days.” </p>
<p>Alex closed his eyes. “I know, I’m sorry.” </p>
<p>“Don’t apologize. Take this time to reflect and really think about how you can do better. Don’t give up and wallow in self-pity. Fight for him.” </p>
<p>Alex nodded. “Yeah.” </p>
<p>There was no way to know if his words were reaching Alex. All he could do, all any of them could do, was hope. </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Let's all take a collective deep breath, cuz that shit HURT. I broke my own damn heart jeez. </p>
<p>I feel bad that Lafayette and Angelica were the only ones who really made an appearance. The rest of the squad will def be more present in the next chapter, especially Eliza. The next chapter will be a whirlwind but it will end happy, I promise!</p>
<p>(Side note, I am happy that I got to write more of Angelica cuz she's my fave character, fave singer, and Satisfied is one of my all favorite songs which is probs obvious from the fact that I think I quote from it in every single one of my Hamilton fics. Like it changed me listening to it in 2016 and WATCHING it was just a whole other thing my god. So anytime I get to feature Angelica is a happy day for me)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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